My masterpiece

So I thought I'd just post the pics up here rather than one at a time on other sites! Here is the wax seal I made for my friend Liam for his 21st birthday! His initials are LJM, which is what the stamp says once it's been reversed into wax.

Wrapped in leather

The unveiling! A beautiful handle of Wattle, hand carved on the lathe. Also like, chisel carved. My hands are not hard or sharp enough for this.

In traditional wax seals the handle is substantially smaller, half the size of this one, but I decided to go all out, looks nice and snazzy.

A close up of the symbol on the end of the stamp, which measures 2cm across. I originally intended to carve it in myself, but that turned out to look horrible, so I had it sent away on some ebay store, which did custom jobbies, and it looks awesome.

Which when stamped into wax, comes out with this symbol!

AWESOME.

Whoops I forgot a title

Things that have been on my mind recently-

It's important I write some of this stuff down that goes through my head, mostly because I find myself quite funny, and since I'm usually right, you probably will too.

Anyway, people been badgerin' me for an update lately, and by people I mean probably 2? And by lately I mean over the last year. Then again, it's been a fuck of a time between my last update and this, so its long overdue without doubt. No Doubt? Were they good? I don't think so, although I can't remember who knows!

It's recently come to my attention that I am pretty great at cooking, but also not very original! Find something that works, stick with it! I assume that's pretty much the same way everyone is with food, except for those special folks who decide to branch out. Then you branch and find a winner, then you stick with it. Learn from your mistakes, etc. It's how life works! A pretty redundant paragraph? Yeah. That's something I find somewhat annoying, despite it being very much a part of the way society works. Redundant statements, casual conversation, it's all so unnecessary, but I suppose that in itself is pretty redundant? Why bother saying redundant statements are redundant? Well, I guess that's my point, people just talk (or write) all kinds of things. A great thing about swimming pools is the quiet when you're under the water. This may be confined to personal swimming pools, and is pretty dependent on how long you can hold your breath, but it's nice and quiet. The constant noise nowadays is everywhere, music playing, people talking, machines humming. It's surprising to find how quiet life can be, maybe I should move to the country? Or to Atlantis? I hear they have a Stargate down there.

Anyway I was talking about something, food! Yep, give it a try sometime.

I won't delve too much into the university side of my life right now, but it's pretty hectic, what with it being my final units and such. I'd love to blame my lack of writing on uni work, but I'm just plain slack. Procrastination, who doesn't do it these days! I dare say it's in. In the bathroom taking a shit, just to get away from study. Maybe if we just do away with all conversation? Sorry getting back onto that point again, I reckon it'd be great. Learn to read people better, it'd be too much effort to communicate inconsequential things, so we'd have meaningful, short conversations instead, make communicating efficient. Obviously women would have the hardest time, but they'd learn to do it. Maybe just for like a month, no talk month. Man we'd fucking collapse.

Do you ever just close your eyes and navigate around the place as best you can? It's really hard not to open your eyes, but worth it in satisfaction if you get to your goal without fucking anything up, or stubbing a toe or something. Once, I went from my room to the kitchen, poured a glass of milk, then took it all the way back to my room without spilling it, with my eyes closed. Not that great a feat really. In fact it's pretty paltry (Let's not get into what blind people have to go through every day), but it's good fun, I recommend you give it a try sometime. Also what is with lights these days? Nothing better than turning off all the lights and doing what you would have done by light, by moonlight. Obviously I'm not talking about things you need light for, like reading a book, or finding your penis or something. Just regular things like cleaning your teeth or having a shower or whatever! It's really nice and relaxing. Once again, give it a try sometime.

Some people have called me self centered in my lifetime, me, ME. MEEEEEEE. And I dig that (actually maybe it was arrogant? Who cares I was just inventing a story to segway into something I wanted to talk about. Me.). However, if the world was as self centered as I am, it'd be a lot less self centered than it is now. Let me explain. I'm talking about a different kind of self centering, one that doesn't make me look as bad, but which is an ethos I work by. While I don't give as much as others, I also don't take, and I rarely ask. I don't mind - even prefer - to do things myself. Everyday things such as make a cup of tea, or whatever. Now you may think, that's fine, nothing wrong with that, maybe you could have some trust in other people but that's fine (Watch yourself, mouth), but it works both ways, and this is why, and I can see why, I am a bit of a bastard. While I like to do it myself, I also like others to do it themselves. This isn't a "do it yourself why would I do something for you", it's a "let's stop relying on other people" view.

I know its just common courtesy for us to be nice to other people, offer help, and just generally do things for others, but I don't want to be offered all the time. The work has to be done, so why doesn't the person who wants it done do it? This is a pretty selfish stance and I understand that. I also understand that society needs a strong pillar of selflessness to work, and it's lacking in many societies today. This is not to say I'd refuse someone if they asked for something, it's just something that is on my mind right now. Perhaps it's because I've been brought up in a household, where my mother is constantly offering things, to the point where I have now grown into a mindset of being actually quite annoyed by someone offering me a cup of tea, or listing options of things to eat. Here's a tip, don't list it all off, I'll just open the fridge and have a look?

Do you think you'd kill yourself if you lost all your limbs? Old conundrum, but a nice little serious question. I think I would. But you never know how you'd react in any situation until you get there. It's always good to dream that you'd do the heroic, and best thing. Likely hood is you'll probably just get it wrong in the moment, and then berate yourself silently for the rest of your life, possibly leading to weight gain, slight depression and a loss of confidence in your abilities. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Stop worrying about it, it's inconsequential. You can't change it, are you Doctor Who? Ignore that if you are, you can change it. To the rest of you, no you aren't, so just get on with it, dream about how you'll react NEXT time. Actually if you were some kind of mutant you could as well, or a superhero or something like that. Yep, but let's face it that isn't you. Or me! But I'd like to be! Who wouldn't! I'd probably work for the military, they'd give the best price I think. Or just steal lots and live out life quietly in some forest.

Man I love it when I just forget to update a draft, and like a month passes. CONTINUITY. Couple of things since I last put pen to keyboard then cleaned it and tried again with my fingers. Came up with a nice middle eastern cop show name, "Hummuside". And as I have a nice belief that original ideas are few and far between, I quickly googled it to see how many people have come up with the idea before me, and low and behold, lots! Yep but I came up with it first mate yep bang. There's a couple of ways to look at it, like there are no original ideas ever, which of course must be wrong, but I still like the desperate pessimism it conveys.

Video gamez - Been playing a few recently, mainly being Dragon age Origins, it's a pretty damned good game. I actually just finished it not an hour ago, played a good guy, and was actually so interested by the possible evil storylines that I am quite looking forward to playing the game again as a badass. I'd recommend it if you LIKE VIDJA GAMEZ. YOU LIKE VIDJA GAMES!? BETYA DO.

So gift vouchers, don't like 'em! They have the same value as money, but you can only use this money in one place, and it's not even redeemable for cash. It's like "You have vague likes and dislikes, is one of them CD's!?" NO GIMME THE MONEY. I WILL SPEND IT ON DRUGS.

ALSO, while I am on the whine-train. Voicemail, fuck your voicemail! I'll just call you back! I don't leave them and I don't listen to 'em. Also this reminds of something that I will find on the internet - FOUND IT. @shitmydadsays. Anyway I can't be entirely bothered writing more about anything at the moment, I've not pee'd since I got up, so I am going to drink some water, I think a lakes worth should do it. Small lake though, like a lake in a cup.

Turns out I'm not.

According to legend, I've been falling behind, turns out legend was mistaken. Also gay.

Let me tell you about my weekend, would you like to hear it? Tough, It's not an audio-blog, I can't do those. I don't have the time or the patience or the blog.

My weekend involved abandonment, a lot of me, by others, of me. Two days I hungered for some "manning up" of others, only to starve, cock-full of my own manliness, but alone. Saturday, 9 am, I was abandoned by no less than 3 people because of a little rain. Umbrellas, they exist. Sunday, 9 am, I was abandoned by no less than 1 person, as that really is the minimum when you think about it, because he was too tired. Coffee, it also exists. Monday, 9 am, I was abandoned by 2 people, 2 people who were part of the 3 people who abandoned me at 9 am on Saturday morning. 1 person of the original 3 showed up to give me some hint of belief that I don't in fact smell really bad. Unfortunately this person was also the one who abandoned me on Sunday, so his record is not spotless, I would go so far as to say it was spotty.

Tuesday, 9 am. Is tomorrow.

I haven't got there yet, but I'm sure you can see the pattern, I'm wondering when or where it will happen.

Wednesday 9 am. Etc.

I just finished my Poster for Invertebrate animals, a POSTER. It's like a year 8 project, in second year Uni, why? Brian. Fucking Brian. Nice guy, sure, but he's a fruitcake. One of those lecturers who is just batshit fuckin' fruitlooped out of his bat skull. Possibly in his batcave? I'll do some digging (literally) and get back to you. Long story short my poster is as good as it's going to get. It isn't good. But hey, it's a fucking poster, what the fuck do you want Brian? We were told it wasn't supposed to have very much information on it too, because hey, you've got one useless childish assignment, may as well make it easy too! I can't really complain, but come on Brian, you're talking to a minimum of 18 year olds here, and those are a rarity, many of your students are in their 30's! Yet you give them a fucking POSTER.

I painted mine, it looks nice.

Did you see the beetle? I tried to make him shine, but I'm not the best painter and the amount of time I spend painting other things on it tired me the fuck out of painting. I even went and bought water colour paints for that motherfucking thing. Let me tell you they weren't cheap. They were $12.99. That's not cheap, that's probably an average cost for this kind of thing, cheap would be more along the line of $5.99. With expensive being around $21.99, and the average coming from all the similar painting materials of the same size, but from different stores, sold over the last few months, so as to eliminate any kind of currency value changes from the price.

These really are things you need to think about. It's not cheap, it's complicated and requires further study.

Speaking of further study, Richard and I went up to Araluen today and looked at the river going through it, taking readings and things, hoping to find some kind of monumental problem we could solve and be heroes for. There wasn't, it was pristine and beautiful, working perfectly. Mineral levels were well maintained and at good levels, the park acting like a sink for the good minerals, which were only minimally inputted by the pipeline. The whole thing was fine. Good for the park, but bad for report writing.

So we decided on changing the results so that the place was fucked the shit up in it's dickhole, and then write a plan on how to manage that problem, of its dickhole. Unfortunately the report needs to be around 25 pages long, and we have about 2 weeks to start and finish it in. FUN TIMES. Don't you love the end of a Uni semester? I do, I'm fucking loving it, see me love it? Fuck yeah. Pumped.

Yeah I'm just about done, there's a bit more I could write about. Hell ok I will, I just thought of something else, Team Fortress 2, and other various video games. Look away now if you don't give a shit, but you should, because I'm really interesting. If you disagree because you're wrong, come back when you skim down to the big pink label calling you a faggot for skipping what I talk about.

TF2 just released a new map, and some medic achievements and weaponry upgrades, they're all pretty cool, and I both like and approve of the idea. Unfortunately now we have dumb-fuck medics running around trying to get the achievements because they're dumb-fucks, a point previous covered. This is annoying, as it gets everyone else killed. Goldrush is a good map, plays well and has a lot of great points about it. I think it's harder to defend than to attack, it takes a bad attacking team and a good defending team for them to win, if it's even stevens, the attackers will usually win. Maybe that will change as the map gets played more, who knows, I haven't played it in a while.

Mariokart Wii is pretty great, I can't play it right now as Tim and Jess have moved out and taken it and the TV it was played on. The TV was theirs anyway, but the Wii was only half theirs, but that's ok, it's been worked out. I'm gathering you don't care enough for me to tell you how? I AM ALWAYS RIGHT. Anyway, great game, lots of fun. Trav has way too much time on his hands to play it though, and is number one in Australia at the moment for Peach Gardens or some shit, and actually rang me up just to tell me. BIG NEWS. Awesome. We'll have to have a wii night soon.

You're a faggot for skipping that. So yeah, Tim and Jess moved out, that's pretty cool right? Fuck yeah. I'll be pretty lonely though, what with the whole no Wii thing. NAH I'M JUST KIDDING HEY. I'll miss them, it's pretty lonely already, and I have no console to play and no TV to play it on. I'm stuck with my computer, which is good don't get me wrong (please don't shut down). But it's pissing me the fuck off! It doesn't start up properly, or at all and FUCK OFF LAUNCHY, fucking hell I don't want you popping the fuck up every time I accidentally hit the alt key when trying to tap the spacebar smoothly on the corner, as every mm of movement makes my typing that much faster. It's all about the lines, and the technique, to get the fastest time. Get it? In joke. You know who you are. Hey I just farted, turns out I have horrible diarrhea.

Speaking of cleaning up shit, Mandy does one on the carpet like every second morning, and pisses every other morning, it's fucking disgusting. She's really old though, so I guess it's a good excuse. I hope I don't get become that incontinent, and a dog. Unless I was my own owner, like, myself, owning myself as a dog. There'd be two of me! I could use "playing with myself" jokes twice as often! Bliss!

Oh yeah hey speaking of my computer not starting, it totally fucked me over today, and last night. I only got it started again around 2 hours ago, thankfully I'd finished my poster, so I didn't get distracted from it. Fucking Brian.

Anyway look, I'm feeling pretty shitty from that whole diarrhea episode 5 minutes ago, and my stomach is still giving me urges. So I'm gonna leave it there. Let it be known by all that I am far far better at painting than my dogs are. Seriously Bazz just sniffs and smears the paint, and Mandy can't even see the thing. Honestly they're terrible.

I have finished typing now, and I think I will click Publish post.

Prophet of the ages.

I AM A FUTURE MAN.

So I was reading Nostradamus the other day. Quite a few days ago actually, at Richard's house. And I happen to flick to this lovely little prediction he had. Let me lay it on the line for you.

An English prince, Mars has his heart in the heavens, will wish to follow his prospering fortune. In two duels, one will pierce him in the gall bladder, hated by him, but well loved by his mother

Recap!

hated by him, but well loved by his mother.

WELL LOVED BY HIS MOTHER.

Is it just me? Does that not sound like a "Your mum" joke? I'm pretty sure it does. IT DOES OK. GOOD.

Well I haven't made a post on here in quite a while, so if I seem out of practice, feel free to think about that a bit, why not. I don't actually have that much to say really. I mainly wanted to just get that whole Nostradamus thing out, because I seriously thought it was great. Hey I've got an idea, how about I whine about things that annoy me? Ooh original.

SONG LYRICS - God I hate some of them.

PONIES - You aren't cute.

NAIL FILES - NOT GAY?

ok so I might just get back onto the song lyrics point, as it's really the only one I have. Let's start with that song that is called by it's name. It has those lyrics that go "he only wants me for my body and soul". Well, considering that you're a slutty pop star, the fact that he wants you for your soul at all is pretty good really. Let's face it, if you were smart, you wouldn't have been in the popular group at school, and most likely wouldn't have become a "singer". So 2 out of 3 aint bad at all really.

FUCK OFF BLOGGER I KNOW YOU SAVE AUTOMATICALLY. Jesus, get over yourself.

Ok next up - "gimme 20 good reasons to let you go" What? Are you serious? Is this some kind of joke? Way to make up rules so that noone can get out of a relationship with you. "Seriously I have a restraining order, get the hell away from me I swear to god" is a pretty good reason I think. Unfortunately I need another 19 before you can let me go.

"Even when you look away I know you think of me". Now I know this is by Avril Lavigne, can't remember what it's called though. Can't be bothered thinking of it. That's a pretty fucking presumptuous line though. What is she a fucking gypsy? I think so. GET OUT OF MY HEAD. YOU CAN'T READ MY MIND IT'S IMMORAL. Stupid bitch.

Also this one I just heard on the radio, I think it's by Kelly Clarkson? Anyway the Line is "But baby don't you know you're the last thing on my mind"

Apparently not, you wrote a fucking song about him.

I think I had more to add, but I don't actually care all that much, and I need to go to bed.

I totally did make a promise.

one HEY there they are, right in the middle of the text and making me write this right up the top of the page. I'm going to leave this here because it's funny, and you'll see how it all ties in later on in the post. If you don't read it, you'll never know. (THIS WILL MAKE SENSE, TRUST ME)


So apparently I made a promise to write a blog, a while ago. You know how it is. Well, I didn't, as you can see, but now I AM. Because I always KEEP MY PROMISES SOMETIMES. Hey! Guess what, I had some vanilla/mint choc chip icecream tonight. And you know, it was delicious. Isn't delicious a great word? I use it a lot, I have to say. Far too much, perhaps it's getting lame? I do hate it when people overuse sayings, there's a limit, you can say it so many times per day, and only for so long, then it just becomes annoying. I don't like to be that guy. That guy is a fucker.

You know what I did yesterday? Well, I say "I", but it wasn't just me, you can't exactly do this kind of thing (properly) on your own. Sound saucy? Well it is. I had an awesome chat with friends from uni about old kids tv shows, shows like "Johnson and Friends", "Round the Twist", "Blast off", and the always favourite (taken off because it apparently taught racism and homosexuality) "Noddy". You know how Noddy used to sleep with... what was his name? Plod? Or something, The older guy. Yeap, it's pretty seedy. Also the black policeman guy that was extremely generically black, from what I remember. Hell I don't think I ever actually watched it, but I remember the black guy. Who DOESN'T remember black guys, let's be honest.

You know who I reminded me of today? Hitler. I totally gassed a weaker species in cell biology. Ok so the gas was CO2 to knock them unconcious, and they were fruit flys, and I'm in no way implying the jews were a weaker race. And that Hitler was right in doing what he did. But can you totally see the connection there? I can, and I made remarks about it OFTEN.

THEN I WENT HOME AND CRIED.

Man, I totally had something MEGA AWESOME to say, but then I forgots it all over the joint. Ooh, let me tell you about my weekend, it was crunking (you like that one Jane? I said crunking). I went up to Margaret river with the boys, the boys being Luke, Damien, and Sam (there were more than that, but this was just the car I was in). And it was fucking awesome. We went to, and got drunk at The Brutish's house on the friday night, and had drunk boxing, which I just lost to Joe in, came down the final round. Fuck boxing is tiring, seriously, my arms were so sore the next day, and I only boxed for like 10 minutes. Gooood times. Also some chick threw up in Josh's car. That was hilarious. And then Quinny threw up like, diamonds or something. Something crystalline. Wouldn't have been good if he kept that in! Which is why he went and forced it out on the night, still had some sense in 'im. Also he fucked some asian bitch.

So after we left the Brute-Barn at 8 am. We went over to the Warrens household, where Mr and Mrs Warren worked tirelessly the whole fucking day, and we only helped minimally. I felt so bad about that, but you know how it is? We were all there, and had any one of us gone to help, we would have been told to go and relax, talk to everyone else, don't worry about it, sort of thing. Not to mention, noone wanted to, and we were all so fucked. But that doesn't excuse it, it really doesn't, not by any means. We should have helped, and we did for some of the heavier stuff. NO EXCUSE. And Fred (Tom and Joe's brother (Kate, Tom, Joe, Sophie, and Fred are the Warren kids.)) brought home a shitload of rocky road for the party, which, coincidentally, was for him. It was his 18th, see, and man, that was good rocky road. He works at the margaret river chocolate factory, which - according to rumour - simply melts down cadbury chocolate, and reforms it into their own. Hey, it's good chocolate! And they have free samples! And Luke did a giant burn out on their driveway!

Hey, don't knock it, it was hilarious.

So Fred's party. It was bitchin', and awesome. Probably the best house party I have ever been to, and I've been to a few! Which is to say, not as many as some people, but still quite a few! There was a fire, an awesome dance floor, far, far too much wine, and heaps of rocky road. It would have been almost perfect if that bitch hadn't been such a bitch. But I am a loving god, and I will forgive her, if she but offers me a token of her loyalty. Which is to say, she gives me my goddamn chocolate back. Bitch stole my chocolate! Not to mention snubbed me like 4 times! I won't go into detail about those snubbings, needless to say she was really rude, and then to top it all off, she stole my chocolate from the freezer. Like there wasn't enough there already? You had to go into the freezer and take my Cadbury chocolate with cashew nuts? IT IS A DELICIOUS COMBINATION. I would have most certainly enjoyed it with my Jim beam and coke, had I drunken any of it. I only really opened it for Fred, after someone had stolen two bottles of Jagermeister from him, and I thought he needed more drink, he was far too excitable. Oh wait no, I did have some with coke before that. So, no that's not true, but I didn't have that much, only enough to go in a 600 ml bottle of coke. And then a shot with Fred. It's better than Brandy, at least!

So yeah, it was an awesome party, and I totally made myself an awesome bed out of chairs and blankets. Everyone was impressed. They were all "Simon, you should totally be an engineer!" and I was all "I know! right?" TOTALLY DID.

So I totally had a talk with Jarryd today about awkwardness, because I'm just so outright about these things. We had one of those little moments when you both pause at a door, not sure whether you should go through first and keep it open for them, or open it for them, and go through after. Or just wait for them to make the call! I'm usually a fan of the tried and true opening of the door for them, and then proceeding after. As it's the gentlemenly thing to do. I do sometimes just walk through and then flick it open again for them as I'm going. Because hey, I'm a bastard. Not that doing that is bastardly, someome has to go through first, why shouldn't it be you? Well, you're welcome to go through first, just don't shit in the doorway and then slam my face down into it, pissing on my unconcious form. Then slamming the door into the top of my skull, possibly killing me, if not on the first try, then maybe on the third. Because that's just too far, guys. That is just. Too. Far.

Not to mention I'm an incredible lover.

Fuck, I don't know whether I have to go to the dentist tomorrow or not. On the little appointment card I have it says my next appointment is on the 1(insert backwards 3)/5. Now I know for sure it's on a friday. And I was sure it was tomorrow friday, but considering tomorrow is the 11th, and not the 1(backwards 3)th, I'm not sure. But since it is the 11th tomorrow, that would make next friday the 18th! And a backwards 3 might be considered an 8 possibly if you're into that sort of thing I know some cultures are. However, had I not looked at the card, I would have said it was this friday. But I JUST DON'T KNOW. Maybe I could call them perhaps? Or maybe I could just ride the wave of cool I have going, and not!

Hey, you know what? I should put some pictures up on this joint. AHOY.


So, while those are uploading, which shouldn't take long, considering my hugely disproportioned, bulbous, throbbing, veiny, enormous, and undoubtadly superior to yours, internet. Seriously, 24 mbs! Can you believe that shit? I can't, really, mainly because we're only actually experiencing maybe a 1.5mbs connection, maybe a bit more. Which is to say we aren't getting anywhere fucking near 24mbs. But it's an impressive number to wave around, don't you think? Say, where the fuck are those photos, they should have uploaded by now (you know, considering my amazing internet). And Oh Get fucked, I hadn't clicked that I accepted their terms and agreement shit, and had to upload them all over again. Retarded!

So, about the photos, which should be here aaaaaaany second now. The first - They just uploaded, right up the top of the page, and when they did, that's where my text started appearing, Woooop. OH HOW THE MYSTERY WAS SOLVED. "Why don't you go write a crime novel Simon? Your plot twists are like delicious apples to me" GOOD QUESTION. The answer to which being this! - The first one is Lodge, if you don't already know him. Look at him! Look how happy he is! Know why? Because he just made a cheesburger out of subway foods. Don't look at me like that! I didn't do it! I don't know the secret! The man's a genius, that's all I can say. The second one there is of course, two pocketwatches. One is mine, the other is Jane's. Each of us got one for the other. Can you guess which is which? Does it really matter? They're both pretty awesome. Personally I prefer the one I have now, which is - let's be realistic here - a lot better than the one I got her. The third picture is just awesome.

So, I guess that's all from me. Did you like the way I just wrote this all in about half an hour? I did, what you have there is my thought process, I didn't sit down here to write about anything in particular. No spelling checks, no reading over it, I'm just going to stop typing it, and click publish.

Fucking deadly.

It's a warm day.

It's a warm day, the sun is light on my skin. Warm, sunny, windy. There are a few clouds in the light blue sky, speckled around, not like one of those picture perfect days. No, Those kind of days are days you see in a photo. This is the kind of day you can feel.

The bricks are warm too. Warm enough to heat the skin, but not enough to burn. I sit down, on the edge of them, with the lawn at my feet. It isn't healthy lawn. There's a large patch, where we pee at night. It's very relaxing to do, I must admit. Makes you feel in touch with nature, standing there, peeing into the wind. It isn't a healthy lawn.

Bazz walks up, slowly, giving me a cursory glance. She's an expert at relaxing, one of the pro's of the household. She stops at my feet, and falls to the ground with the grace of a hippo. A satisfied sigh exits her lungs as she thuds down, and closes her eyes to the sun. She knows how it's done - I think to myself. I follow her example.

I lie back against the bricks behind me. They're hotter than the others. They burn for a second, but then I adjust, and it's a nice warmth. The wind blows against my side, it's cool, cold even. A delicious contrast to the heat of the bricks. "It's like eating a bowl full of chaff"

- Says mum. I smile as I'm woken from my stupor. "I think it was the natural yoghurt, I might try a different muesli next time". I encourage her along that course of action. She is sitting on a bench behind me, staring down at me. "It's your birthday soon", I nod in agreeance. "Anything special you want?" I tell her there isn't. It's the truth. Or at least, what I want isn't so easily gotten. Besides, I am happy in this moment. Content. "Well, tell me if anything comes to your mind". I assure her I will, as she walks back into the house, the wooden door creaking as the wind slams it shut behind her. I lie there, warming.

There's a wasp above me, going about it's daily duties. I watch it float along the wooden beams of the veranda, poking its head into small holes in the wood. It doesn't fear me, and I don't fear it. But it looks happy, in its relaxed wandering. Maybe it has the day off. Maybe I'm just a tad Euphoric at the moment. I like him, he seems content too. Hello wasp, I mouth. Not wanting to speak. Words would ruin the tranquility. It answers by crawling into a little hole, and then crawling out again. Good answer, I think. You know your stuff.

There's a little bird, flying vainly into the wind up in the sky. It's windy up there, little bird, be careful. But the warning isn't necessary. It knows exactly what it's doing.

A fly lands on my toe. The corners of my mouth curl into a smile. It wouldn't be Australia without you, little fly. It agrees. And tickles my toe hairs, just like it should. I raise my foot in accordance with custom, and drop it back down to the ground, dislodging the fly. I can tell this fly has been around, it knows how things go. It settles back down onto my foot, right where it left off. I smile, and raise my foot again.

Bazz moves. She stands up lazily and moves over to a more rough patch of grass. I know what's coming, and I sit up to watch it. It's a brilliant show, no matter how many times you've seen it. She looks down at the grass happily, she's been looking forward to this. Flop, down onto the new patch. But not with the intention of relaxing this time.

She stretches out, then flips up onto her back. It took her a long time to learn how to lie like that. But she loves it now. Then starts the show. She starts to sway back and forth, scratching her back on the grass. Slowly at first, but it gets faster quickly. She can't help but growl with pleasure. GROARRAAARROOAOAOOAR, she says, as she scratches. At her best, she can go for a few minutes. Today, she only lasts for about 20 seconds before she's done. She bends her head around and looks at me. I smile back at her. She gets up and sneezes, satisfied.

I can't hold her attention forever though. But she gives me time to pat her as she walks past me, and into the house. Pushing the door open like we tell her not to. She's a pro.

I wriggle my back, stretching out the brick marks that are undoubtadly there. It's a nice itch to scratch. I look around myself, stretch again, and stand up. Up in the sky are a few clouds, speckled around, the sun is light on my skin. It's a warm day.

Updating is for chumps.

So yesterday something happened, someone told me to update my blog. Yes, this has happened before, I know, but only from people who I actually kind of know. I mean yes, I do know this person. But the fact that she actually reads my blog was pretty incredible. Not really. Anyway, it got me thinking, I know that people I keep in contact with occasionally read my blog, but I wasn't aware that anyone else really actually cared. I mean, I know I like reading blogs, Like Jane's Anal adventures on the high seas. But other people... Are they like me? So I started wondering, how many people out there actually DO read my blog? Hundreds? Thousands? The internet? With all of these possibilities punching me in the throat, I decided I'd write this. Which isn't to say you're getting it straight off the bat, I could have started writing this a few days ago, maybe a few weeks? Maybe, The Internet?*

Well, in any case, for those of you out there who actually DO check my blog every so often, hoping you'll find another little gem of philosophical advice, or a rough'n tumble "your mother" reference. Hell, even a kick in the dick would be good. As long as it's from me, right? Well, Here's your dick-kick, folks.

I think I'll go with what I've found to be a winning formula for my life updates, the whole "list of things that I've done with myself since last we spoke" thing. So, any takers? You sir, no? How about you Madam? Or you sir! Yes, you! The man with the 1 shaped hat.

1) Let's start off from the last entry, I went to NZ, and stayed with Jane at her uni in Palmerston North for the majority of the two weeks. Doesn't sound too exciting? Well if you didn't want to spend that much time with Jane then I guess it wouldn't be. But I did. And it was awesome. I won't write too much on that trip. Because there's more on NZ coming up later, which is more likely to interest you than this bit.

2) I got my Licence! I don't think I told you that, I got it quite a while ago. But then again, I last posted quite a while ago. So this is for back then.

3) I got a job at Subway. Yep, that's right, I'm a Sandwich artist. Now I know, I know, it's a shitty food place job. But it's very convenient for me. It's close to home. It's on the way to Uni. And I can get free food. Not to mention they'll work around me going to uni. So I'll probably end up doing 2 or 3 nights a week there. As things go. Shouldn't be too bad. The pay isn't great, but as I said, free food, and convenience. It's more just to help pay off uni debts.

4) What if the world got so overpopulated that governments started brainwashing people into being completely unafraid of death, completely? Consoling them with the knowledge that their deaths, and those of their loved ones were serving the purpose of reducing the strain on the earths resources. If that were the only change made in common thought. Nothing else changed, families would drive their cars under rockslides, not caring. If they lived they lived, but if they died, then at least it served some kind of purpose. Nobody even tried to avoid death. They just went about things in their usual way. Straight into death traps. But what if some people weren't affected by the brainwashing, or the gene modification, however it came about? Those would be the ones that feared death, and came out on top of the easily avoidable everyday death traps. They'd be the ones that bred, that reproduced. So after a while, natural selection would turn everything back to normal right? Except we'd have a much stronger gene pool. What with all the weaker ones standing too close to the edges of volcanoes. With no fear of falling in. Hey wow, there's a strong wind. Oops.

Can you imagine the blank, surreal expression on his face as he falls helplessly towards the molten lava? "So, I'm going to die" He thinks. "Hey, that's one less person in the world at least" and then "Mmm, what's that delicious roasting smell, Oh! It's my burning flesh, how about that then."

5) And speaking of Uni, I start on Monday! That's in 2 days. Now I have to do it with all the young guns who're going straight there rather than taking a year off. Not that it really matters when you get to that point. I'll be doing a BSc in Environmental Biology. I was doing it in a double degree with Secondary Education. But I swapped out of that (which took a bloody long time to do, all day, in fact, running around uni from building to building. Filling out forms, getting told to go back to the place I was an hour ago, and even being told that I had to do it through my high school. As the uni doesn't do ADMISSIONS TO UNIVERSITY. Good one customer service). But 6 hours and 10 forms later, it was all done. Although I lost all my seats in lectures and tutorials and labs, that made my timetable nice and friendly for me. So now I have a shitty one that's all over the place. Still, it could be worse. That's what you get when you change out of a course 4 days before uni starts.

6) Man, John Farnham is playing. That shit is hot. Woo! Take the pressure down!

7) I need to wash my car, I parked it under a gum tree for one lousy night while it's flowering, and now my car is covered in drops of sticky goo, with all the tiny flower pettles stuck in it. To be honest, it's fucking ugly. So I'm gonna go wash it soon.

8) So I parked next to a smart car at uni the other day. What the fuck? How can someone afford a car like that when they're a student. Even second hand they cost like $20,000. Damnit, my tiny box of shit looked so bad compared to it. It's a good thing I couldn't care less. Also, I want one of those cars, they're just so cute. And economic! I prefer smaller cars to giant gas guzzling tank-ets. There you go, an insight into my BRAIN.

9) BRAAAAIIIIN.

10) Oh yeah, back to New Zealand. So like, I went again, just a week ago, in fact. And it was so awesome. I went accompanied by Lodge and Luke. And we all had a great time. We met up in the South island with Jane, Eddy, and Zara. Stayed in Wanaka a few days with all of them, which was awesome. Then Zara left us to go back to Mardumbala (I can't remember where she lives). And It was Janeddy left after that. Then we traveled up to Ranfurly, and stayed with Eddy for a night. Before she dropped us off in Christchurch (which is like a 3 hour drive or something, it's not the usual "I'll give you a lift to this party" sort of lift, thank you Eddy!). From there, we went all the way up the East coast of the South Island over the next week or so, and ended up in Pikton, where we caught the ferry up to the North island! Hmm, this is a really shortened account of the trip. Still, I'd be here for the whole night if I didn't shorten it back a bit. So tough, I guess. Anyway, we landed in Wellington, and stayed there a night afore heading off to Hamilton! To stay with Jane's family. And a big thankyou to Lynley and John, Jane's parents, who put up with us. And fed us, all those times. It made a big difference to have a delicious home cooked meal, and a safe environment to sleep in. And even more thanks for the use of the car as well. It means a lot that you trusted me with driving it. Fresh onto my licence as I was. I hope the few crashed I had don't affect your trust, I mean, that last one was totally not my fault.

From there, we traveled out most of the time to see various things around the south Island, spending a day in Raglan, in Wellington, Auckland, and Rotorua. Seeing all the touristy sights. And doing all the touristy things, while having the insights of a North Island Local with us. Then, in the early morning after our second night in Auckland, we headed off to the airport, and left for Australia, via Brisbane and Sidney. Three flights! End.

So yeah, there's your quick rundown of where we went. I could add a whole lot more about every place we stayed at, but really, that would take so long. And I'd be writing for ages. Aaaand you'd probably get bored. Actually, probably not, considering I'm such an intriguing and engaging writer/novelist. Novelist you say? Pray tell, Simon, whence did this come about? It didn't.

11) See, what I Should REALLY be writing is an email to Jane. I haven't written a proper email to Jane in so long. Failing that I should be writing her a letter, like in ye olden gays. With paper, and a multi-coloured-pen. (But who uses Green? It's a passenger, the other colours are clearly carrying it.) Just like in the dark ages, before they invented grass, energy drinks, and crocodiles. Yeah, I should really do that. I like writing, you see. And especially writing to Jane. Man, the emails we used to send each other. FWOOAAAR. Not really, but you know, they existed, in any case, not just urgent thoughts floating around inside my head. I should really get on to writing those. Sorry Jane, I will get around to it!

12) So this morning, right. I went off to pick-a-part (a big car wreckers yard with heaps of cars sitting around, that you walk into and find car parts, take them off, then go pay for them. Once a car's reduced to nothing, it's crushed and disposed of, for some other thing) And got myself a new starter motor. And by "I" and "me" and "myself, I of course mean Dad. Well, I was there, but he did most of it. Oh and I also stole a new fuel cap. And by stole I mean paid for. Now while I remember, I think it was the Solenoid (spelling?) that's not working. But it was easier to take the whole starter motor than just that. Although there's no guarantee that it'll work, that's the thing about pick-a-part. You could be getting something just as broken as what you already have. But if it works, it's a lot cheaper than getting a new one.

Anyway, I have to go put this new starter motor on soon, hopefully, if it works. I can be back on the road today, if not, it might be a few days, while I buy a new one, and then maybe get a mechanic to fix it. Sigh. Damnit, cars are just too expensive. Why can't uni be close enough to ride to? And why does my bike have an invisible puncture that I just cannot seem to find! It's pissing me off, that.

Also, I need a parking permit for my car for uni.

Update! Before I even published the post! Car is fixed and working. Also, there's this little tube that I think has been detached for a while. It doesn't seem to do anything important. But you know. It's there, and it's looking at me.
13) By the way, today is Tuesday, so I started uni yesterday! It was pretty awesome, although Monday's probably my worst or second worst day. Tuesday's my best. Although all of my days are the best compared to Luke's. Man, he has the shittest timetable Evar. 8:00 lectures every morning, AND he lives 50 minutes from the uni! That shit is totally hella bad.

14) So back to my car, right. This little tube thing, that we found floating around, coming from somewhere, but with no idea where it was going. Yeah, that. Anyway it took us a while but we figured out where it went.

15) Yay, Uni/time management/Jane talk from mum. Yes, I'm aware that I'm at uni now, but that doesn't mean that I can't watch Red Dwarf. And no, I don't care, I'm not going to make set periods of time when I will and won't talk to Jane. I'll talk to her when I want to! Assuming of course she's there. Which reminds me, I need to get another headset so I can use skype again.

16) Yep, that's it, I guess. I can't think of anything more to say. That's all for now then, I could put some pictures up of the trip but it would take too long, and I've been writing this really slowly over like 5 days now, and tell Jane I'll be posting it up soon. So I should probably do that. POST, ATTACK.


*Just a note to say that's actually not the reason I wrote this post. It was more just on a whim.

The Emo monthly.

Well, as some of you may know, during the last 2 weeks, I've been over in the wonderful land of New Zealand, spending time with Jane, and Zareddy. And other people. But mostly Jane.

I've been asked to write my account of my NZ antics. And so I'll start now, but probably won't finish it for a day or two. Does that mean it will be huge? Or just that I just cannot be fucked writing anything right now. I guess we'll see. I mean, at the moment, I'm in a fairly sombre, sullen frame of mind. After leaving the girl I love back over in NZ. But I'm sure I can put something entertaining together for you vultures.

Fuck it, I can't yet. Gimme a few days to get over jet lag, and a few months to put my pining aside. Then I'll get back to you.

What an emo.

Not gay dad.

Lovable lucy, the artful abbo.

Did you know there used to be an Australian comic called that? Classic.

Look, I'll get straight down to why I'm here, I'm here to tell you about Jesus. Jesus said to me, he said "Simon, let me tell you something. When I was born. I was born the son of God. Do you know what it's like to be the son of GOD, Simon? How much pressure that puts on me? Dad always wants to know if I'm gonna follow in the family business, if I'm gonna have a job doing something for the environment, an entertainer. If I'm going to get a job at all. He just doesn't know how HARD it is to be me. there's so much to worry about when you're me, you wouldn't understand. But let me tell you It's hard Simon, it's hard. I'm so emo."

It was at this point, I recited to him my ballad of "Shutup Jesus, you emo"

He liked it, gave me $2. Busking is paying off.

And it ads up, you know? It all adds up, if you save it. And that's exactly what I did. I saved, I put that $2 in the bank right then and there, a deposit, says I, into my future. Soon, with interest, that $2 might become $2.50, or maybe even $2.60. Just like that bank account mum made for me when I was a baby. She put $50 in. And when I was 17, it had become $70, she wanted me to leave it 'till I was 18. Because, well, we wouldn't want to miss out on that $1 interest now, would we.

You know what else adds up? Calculators.
Good one Simon.

But seriously. Good things add up, good things ad up to make a great thing, and that's what last wednesday was, it was great. for three reasons. Allow me to list them for you in the order they came to me during the day -

1. After I got back from an easy day at work, I became Giumelli and started typing largly so that it looked as though I had written many pages. Wheras my word count was barely hitting the minimum requirement. Then I stopped being Giumelli, because he is the gay.

Really though, firstly, I booked my drivers test. It's taken me a fucking long time to book this, so bear with me when I say I am quite glad I've done something about it. I'm think I should pass. But probably won't, did you know it's about a 70% failure rate on the first test? Ludicrous!

2. I payed for my ticket to NZ. To see the woman I love, Jane. So I'm finally going! We (Luke, Lodge, and I) were going to wait until January-ish to go. But I couldn't wait that long, so I'm going early for 2 weeks. Although I still want to go in January, because that would be awesome, and would be for longer, and spanning both islands. Still, it's been finalised, and I'm going on Friday 15th. Well, 15 minutes into Friday, so pretty much Thursday night.

3. And to top all that off, We WON BASKETBALL. Doesn't mean much to you? Well it should, it really should. It's our first win of the season afterall. We haven't played too many times this season, already had one bye, and played two teams twice each. So not very diverse, really. ANd a season is only 6 months. Less, because it doesn't go for-oh look we one alright. Get over it.

And it was such an awesome win. We all played so well, I vote Savvo the man of the match for that game. Even though Jake got the winning score. And what a score! It was so good. We led the whole game, I got progression shots on Tims phone of the scoreboard. We were winning up until about 3 minutes left, when they equalised. Then we had the ball, and Jake went to drive it in, and got fouled! (I think, it might have happened some other way, but they fouled someone). Which meant their team had, 10 fouls I think it is for that half. And we got two free shots, with 20 seconds left. Jake took them. He had two shots, both teams on 23 points, there wasn't time for anyone to score after this. First shot up! Miss. Fuck, no worries, get the next one Jake, it's all good, just get the next one, and we win. Seconds shot up! Siren sounds.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! WE WON, MOTHER FUCKERS.
FUCKING LOVE YOU JAKE.
YES, FUCK YES.

Oh, we were so fucking pumped, it was the best win ever. And our first, to add to that.

So yeah. Good day.

Same time next week?

Oh SNAP.

You know what I decided? That I should post.