Steatopygous Simon.

My masterpiece

2010-02-26T06:23:00.001-08:00

So I thought I'd just post the pics up here rather than one at a time on other sites! Here is the wax seal I made for my friend Liam for his 21st birthday! His initials are LJM, which is what the stamp says once it's been reversed into wax.

Wrapped in leather

The unveiling! A beautiful handle of Wattle, hand carved on the lathe. Also like, chisel carved. My hands are not hard or sharp enough for this.

In traditional wax seals the handle is substantially smaller, half the size of this one, but I decided to go all out, looks nice and snazzy.

A close up of the symbol on the end of the stamp, which measures 2cm across. I originally intended to carve it in myself, but that turned out to look horrible, so I had it sent away on some ebay store, which did custom jobbies, and it looks awesome.

Which when stamped into wax, comes out with this symbol!

AWESOME.

Whoops I forgot a title

2009-11-05T04:47:00.000-08:00

Things that have been on my mind recently-

It's important I write some of this stuff down that goes through my head, mostly because I find myself quite funny, and since I'm usually right, you probably will too.

Anyway, people been badgerin' me for an update lately, and by people I mean probably 2? And by lately I mean over the last year. Then again, it's been a fuck of a time between my last update and this, so its long overdue without doubt. No Doubt? Were they good? I don't think so, although I can't remember who knows!

It's recently come to my attention that I am pretty great at cooking, but also not very original! Find something that works, stick with it! I assume that's pretty much the same way everyone is with food, except for those special folks who decide to branch out. Then you branch and find a winner, then you stick with it. Learn from your mistakes, etc. It's how life works! A pretty redundant paragraph? Yeah. That's something I find somewhat annoying, despite it being very much a part of the way society works. Redundant statements, casual conversation, it's all so unnecessary, but I suppose that in itself is pretty redundant? Why bother saying redundant statements are redundant? Well, I guess that's my point, people just talk (or write) all kinds of things. A great thing about swimming pools is the quiet when you're under the water. This may be confined to personal swimming pools, and is pretty dependent on how long you can hold your breath, but it's nice and quiet. The constant noise nowadays is everywhere, music playing, people talking, machines humming. It's surprising to find how quiet life can be, maybe I should move to the country? Or to Atlantis? I hear they have a Stargate down there.

Anyway I was talking about something, food! Yep, give it a try sometime.

I won't delve too much into the university side of my life right now, but it's pretty hectic, what with it being my final units and such. I'd love to blame my lack of writing on uni work, but I'm just plain slack. Procrastination, who doesn't do it these days! I dare say it's in. In the bathroom taking a shit, just to get away from study. Maybe if we just do away with all conversation? Sorry getting back onto that point again, I reckon it'd be great. Learn to read people better, it'd be too much effort to communicate inconsequential things, so we'd have meaningful, short conversations instead, make communicating efficient. Obviously women would have the hardest time, but they'd learn to do it. Maybe just for like a month, no talk month. Man we'd fucking collapse.

Do you ever just close your eyes and navigate around the place as best you can? It's really hard not to open your eyes, but worth it in satisfaction if you get to your goal without fucking anything up, or stubbing a toe or something. Once, I went from my room to the kitchen, poured a glass of milk, then took it all the way back to my room without spilling it, with my eyes closed. Not that great a feat really. In fact it's pretty paltry (Let's not get into what blind people have to go through every day), but it's good fun, I recommend you give it a try sometime. Also what is with lights these days? Nothing better than turning off all the lights and doing what you would have done by light, by moonlight. Obviously I'm not talking about things you need light for, like reading a book, or finding your penis or something. Just regular things like cleaning your teeth or having a shower or whatever! It's really nice and relaxing. Once again, give it a try sometime.

Some people have called me self centered in my lifetime, me, ME. MEEEEEEE. And I dig that (actually maybe it was arrogant? Who cares I was just inventing a story to segway into something I wanted to talk about. Me.). However, if the world was as self centered as I am, it'd be a lot less self centered than it is now. Let me explain. I'm talking about a different kind of self centering, one that doesn't make me look as bad, but which is an ethos I work by. While I don't give as much as others, I also don't take, and I rarely ask. I don't mind - even prefer - to do things myself. Everyday things such as make a cup of tea, or whatever. Now you may think, that's fine, nothing wrong with that, maybe you could have some trust in other people but that's fine (Watch yourself, mouth), but it works both ways, and this is why, and I can see why, I am a bit of a bastard. While I like to do it myself, I also like others to do it themselves. This isn't a "do it yourself why would I do something for you", it's a "let's stop relying on other people" view.

I know its just common courtesy for us to be nice to other people, offer help, and just generally do things for others, but I don't want to be offered all the time. The work has to be done, so why doesn't the person who wants it done do it? This is a pretty selfish stance and I understand that. I also understand that society needs a strong pillar of selflessness to work, and it's lacking in many societies today. This is not to say I'd refuse someone if they asked for something, it's just something that is on my mind right now. Perhaps it's because I've been brought up in a household, where my mother is constantly offering things, to the point where I have now grown into a mindset of being actually quite annoyed by someone offering me a cup of tea, or listing options of things to eat. Here's a tip, don't list it all off, I'll just open the fridge and have a look?

Do you think you'd kill yourself if you lost all your limbs? Old conundrum, but a nice little serious question. I think I would. But you never know how you'd react in any situation until you get there. It's always good to dream that you'd do the heroic, and best thing. Likely hood is you'll probably just get it wrong in the moment, and then berate yourself silently for the rest of your life, possibly leading to weight gain, slight depression and a loss of confidence in your abilities. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Stop worrying about it, it's inconsequential. You can't change it, are you Doctor Who? Ignore that if you are, you can change it. To the rest of you, no you aren't, so just get on with it, dream about how you'll react NEXT time. Actually if you were some kind of mutant you could as well, or a superhero or something like that. Yep, but let's face it that isn't you. Or me! But I'd like to be! Who wouldn't! I'd probably work for the military, they'd give the best price I think. Or just steal lots and live out life quietly in some forest.

Man I love it when I just forget to update a draft, and like a month passes. CONTINUITY. Couple of things since I last put pen to keyboard then cleaned it and tried again with my fingers. Came up with a nice middle eastern cop show name, "Hummuside". And as I have a nice belief that original ideas are few and far between, I quickly googled it to see how many people have come up with the idea before me, and low and behold, lots! Yep but I came up with it first mate yep bang. There's a couple of ways to look at it, like there are no original ideas ever, which of course must be wrong, but I still like the desperate pessimism it conveys.

Video gamez - Been playing a few recently, mainly being Dragon age Origins, it's a pretty damned good game. I actually just finished it not an hour ago, played a good guy, and was actually so interested by the possible evil storylines that I am quite looking forward to playing the game again as a badass. I'd recommend it if you LIKE VIDJA GAMEZ. YOU LIKE VIDJA GAMES!? BETYA DO.

So gift vouchers, don't like 'em! They have the same value as money, but you can only use this money in one place, and it's not even redeemable for cash. It's like "You have vague likes and dislikes, is one of them CD's!?" NO GIMME THE MONEY. I WILL SPEND IT ON DRUGS.

ALSO, while I am on the whine-train. Voicemail, fuck your voicemail! I'll just call you back! I don't leave them and I don't listen to 'em. Also this reminds of something that I will find on the internet - FOUND IT. @shitmydadsays. Anyway I can't be entirely bothered writing more about anything at the moment, I've not pee'd since I got up, so I am going to drink some water, I think a lakes worth should do it. Small lake though, like a lake in a cup.

Turns out I'm not.

2008-05-12T06:15:00.000-07:00

According to legend, I've been falling behind, turns out legend was mistaken. Also gay.

Let me tell you about my weekend, would you like to hear it? Tough, It's not an audio-blog, I can't do those. I don't have the time or the patience or the blog.

My weekend involved abandonment, a lot of me, by others, of me. Two days I hungered for some "manning up" of others, only to starve, cock-full of my own manliness, but alone. Saturday, 9 am, I was abandoned by no less than 3 people because of a little rain. Umbrellas, they exist. Sunday, 9 am, I was abandoned by no less than 1 person, as that really is the minimum when you think about it, because he was too tired. Coffee, it also exists. Monday, 9 am, I was abandoned by 2 people, 2 people who were part of the 3 people who abandoned me at 9 am on Saturday morning. 1 person of the original 3 showed up to give me some hint of belief that I don't in fact smell really bad. Unfortunately this person was also the one who abandoned me on Sunday, so his record is not spotless, I would go so far as to say it was spotty.

Tuesday, 9 am. Is tomorrow.

I haven't got there yet, but I'm sure you can see the pattern, I'm wondering when or where it will happen.

Wednesday 9 am. Etc.

I just finished my Poster for Invertebrate animals, a POSTER. It's like a year 8 project, in second year Uni, why? Brian. Fucking Brian. Nice guy, sure, but he's a fruitcake. One of those lecturers who is just batshit fuckin' fruitlooped out of his bat skull. Possibly in his batcave? I'll do some digging (literally) and get back to you. Long story short my poster is as good as it's going to get. It isn't good. But hey, it's a fucking poster, what the fuck do you want Brian? We were told it wasn't supposed to have very much information on it too, because hey, you've got one useless childish assignment, may as well make it easy too! I can't really complain, but come on Brian, you're talking to a minimum of 18 year olds here, and those are a rarity, many of your students are in their 30's! Yet you give them a fucking POSTER.

I painted mine, it looks nice.

Did you see the beetle? I tried to make him shine, but I'm not the best painter and the amount of time I spend painting other things on it tired me the fuck out of painting. I even went and bought water colour paints for that motherfucking thing. Let me tell you they weren't cheap. They were $12.99. That's not cheap, that's probably an average cost for this kind of thing, cheap would be more along the line of $5.99. With expensive being around $21.99, and the average coming from all the similar painting materials of the same size, but from different stores, sold over the last few months, so as to eliminate any kind of currency value changes from the price.

These really are things you need to think about. It's not cheap, it's complicated and requires further study.

Speaking of further study, Richard and I went up to Araluen today and looked at the river going through it, taking readings and things, hoping to find some kind of monumental problem we could solve and be heroes for. There wasn't, it was pristine and beautiful, working perfectly. Mineral levels were well maintained and at good levels, the park acting like a sink for the good minerals, which were only minimally inputted by the pipeline. The whole thing was fine. Good for the park, but bad for report writing.

So we decided on changing the results so that the place was fucked the shit up in it's dickhole, and then write a plan on how to manage that problem, of its dickhole. Unfortunately the report needs to be around 25 pages long, and we have about 2 weeks to start and finish it in. FUN TIMES. Don't you love the end of a Uni semester? I do, I'm fucking loving it, see me love it? Fuck yeah. Pumped.

Yeah I'm just about done, there's a bit more I could write about. Hell ok I will, I just thought of something else, Team Fortress 2, and other various video games. Look away now if you don't give a shit, but you should, because I'm really interesting. If you disagree because you're wrong, come back when you skim down to the big pink label calling you a faggot for skipping what I talk about.

TF2 just released a new map, and some medic achievements and weaponry upgrades, they're all pretty cool, and I both like and approve of the idea. Unfortunately now we have dumb-fuck medics running around trying to get the achievements because they're dumb-fucks, a point previous covered. This is annoying, as it gets everyone else killed. Goldrush is a good map, plays well and has a lot of great points about it. I think it's harder to defend than to attack, it takes a bad attacking team and a good defending team for them to win, if it's even stevens, the attackers will usually win. Maybe that will change as the map gets played more, who knows, I haven't played it in a while.

Mariokart Wii is pretty great, I can't play it right now as Tim and Jess have moved out and taken it and the TV it was played on. The TV was theirs anyway, but the Wii was only half theirs, but that's ok, it's been worked out. I'm gathering you don't care enough for me to tell you how? I AM ALWAYS RIGHT. Anyway, great game, lots of fun. Trav has way too much time on his hands to play it though, and is number one in Australia at the moment for Peach Gardens or some shit, and actually rang me up just to tell me. BIG NEWS. Awesome. We'll have to have a wii night soon.

You're a faggot for skipping that. So yeah, Tim and Jess moved out, that's pretty cool right? Fuck yeah. I'll be pretty lonely though, what with the whole no Wii thing. NAH I'M JUST KIDDING HEY. I'll miss them, it's pretty lonely already, and I have no console to play and no TV to play it on. I'm stuck with my computer, which is good don't get me wrong (please don't shut down). But it's pissing me the fuck off! It doesn't start up properly, or at all and FUCK OFF LAUNCHY, fucking hell I don't want you popping the fuck up every time I accidentally hit the alt key when trying to tap the spacebar smoothly on the corner, as every mm of movement makes my typing that much faster. It's all about the lines, and the technique, to get the fastest time. Get it? In joke. You know who you are. Hey I just farted, turns out I have horrible diarrhea.

Speaking of cleaning up shit, Mandy does one on the carpet like every second morning, and pisses every other morning, it's fucking disgusting. She's really old though, so I guess it's a good excuse. I hope I don't get become that incontinent, and a dog. Unless I was my own owner, like, myself, owning myself as a dog. There'd be two of me! I could use "playing with myself" jokes twice as often! Bliss!

Oh yeah hey speaking of my computer not starting, it totally fucked me over today, and last night. I only got it started again around 2 hours ago, thankfully I'd finished my poster, so I didn't get distracted from it. Fucking Brian.

Anyway look, I'm feeling pretty shitty from that whole diarrhea episode 5 minutes ago, and my stomach is still giving me urges. So I'm gonna leave it there. Let it be known by all that I am far far better at painting than my dogs are. Seriously Bazz just sniffs and smears the paint, and Mandy can't even see the thing. Honestly they're terrible.

I have finished typing now, and I think I will click Publish post.

Prophet of the ages.

2007-08-31T23:41:00.000-07:00

I AM A FUTURE MAN.

So I was reading Nostradamus the other day. Quite a few days ago actually, at Richard's house. And I happen to flick to this lovely little prediction he had. Let me lay it on the line for you.

An English prince, Mars has his heart in the heavens, will wish to follow his prospering fortune. In two duels, one will pierce him in the gall bladder, hated by him, but well loved by his mother

Recap!

hated by him, but well loved by his mother.

WELL LOVED BY HIS MOTHER.

Is it just me? Does that not sound like a "Your mum" joke? I'm pretty sure it does. IT DOES OK. GOOD.

Well I haven't made a post on here in quite a while, so if I seem out of practice, feel free to think about that a bit, why not. I don't actually have that much to say really. I mainly wanted to just get that whole Nostradamus thing out, because I seriously thought it was great. Hey I've got an idea, how about I whine about things that annoy me? Ooh original.

SONG LYRICS - God I hate some of them.

PONIES - You aren't cute.

NAIL FILES - NOT GAY?

ok so I might just get back onto the song lyrics point, as it's really the only one I have. Let's start with that song that is called by it's name. It has those lyrics that go "he only wants me for my body and soul". Well, considering that you're a slutty pop star, the fact that he wants you for your soul at all is pretty good really. Let's face it, if you were smart, you wouldn't have been in the popular group at school, and most likely wouldn't have become a "singer". So 2 out of 3 aint bad at all really.

FUCK OFF BLOGGER I KNOW YOU SAVE AUTOMATICALLY. Jesus, get over yourself.

Ok next up - "gimme 20 good reasons to let you go" What? Are you serious? Is this some kind of joke? Way to make up rules so that noone can get out of a relationship with you. "Seriously I have a restraining order, get the hell away from me I swear to god" is a pretty good reason I think. Unfortunately I need another 19 before you can let me go.

"Even when you look away I know you think of me". Now I know this is by Avril Lavigne, can't remember what it's called though. Can't be bothered thinking of it. That's a pretty fucking presumptuous line though. What is she a fucking gypsy? I think so. GET OUT OF MY HEAD. YOU CAN'T READ MY MIND IT'S IMMORAL. Stupid bitch.

Also this one I just heard on the radio, I think it's by Kelly Clarkson? Anyway the Line is "But baby don't you know you're the last thing on my mind"

Apparently not, you wrote a fucking song about him.

I think I had more to add, but I don't actually care all that much, and I need to go to bed.

I totally did make a promise.

2007-05-10T07:08:00.000-07:00

one HEY there they are, right in the middle of the text and making me write this right up the top of the page. I'm going to leave this here because it's funny, and you'll see how it all ties in later on in the post. If you don't read it, you'll never know. (THIS WILL MAKE SENSE, TRUST ME)

So apparently I made a promise to write a blog, a while ago. You know how it is. Well, I didn't, as you can see, but now I AM. Because I always KEEP MY PROMISES SOMETIMES. Hey! Guess what, I had some vanilla/mint choc chip icecream tonight. And you know, it was delicious. Isn't delicious a great word? I use it a lot, I have to say. Far too much, perhaps it's getting lame? I do hate it when people overuse sayings, there's a limit, you can say it so many times per day, and only for so long, then it just becomes annoying. I don't like to be that guy. That guy is a fucker.

You know what I did yesterday? Well, I say "I", but it wasn't just me, you can't exactly do this kind of thing (properly) on your own. Sound saucy? Well it is. I had an awesome chat with friends from uni about old kids tv shows, shows like "Johnson and Friends", "Round the Twist", "Blast off", and the always favourite (taken off because it apparently taught racism and homosexuality) "Noddy". You know how Noddy used to sleep with... what was his name? Plod? Or something, The older guy. Yeap, it's pretty seedy. Also the black policeman guy that was extremely generically black, from what I remember. Hell I don't think I ever actually watched it, but I remember the black guy. Who DOESN'T remember black guys, let's be honest.

You know who I reminded me of today? Hitler. I totally gassed a weaker species in cell biology. Ok so the gas was CO2 to knock them unconcious, and they were fruit flys, and I'm in no way implying the jews were a weaker race. And that Hitler was right in doing what he did. But can you totally see the connection there? I can, and I made remarks about it OFTEN.

THEN I WENT HOME AND CRIED.

Man, I totally had something MEGA AWESOME to say, but then I forgots it all over the joint. Ooh, let me tell you about my weekend, it was crunking (you like that one Jane? I said crunking). I went up to Margaret river with the boys, the boys being Luke, Damien, and Sam (there were more than that, but this was just the car I was in). And it was fucking awesome. We went to, and got drunk at The Brutish's house on the friday night, and had drunk boxing, which I just lost to Joe in, came down the final round. Fuck boxing is tiring, seriously, my arms were so sore the next day, and I only boxed for like 10 minutes. Gooood times. Also some chick threw up in Josh's car. That was hilarious. And then Quinny threw up like, diamonds or something. Something crystalline. Wouldn't have been good if he kept that in! Which is why he went and forced it out on the night, still had some sense in 'im. Also he fucked some asian bitch.

So after we left the Brute-Barn at 8 am. We went over to the Warrens household, where Mr and Mrs Warren worked tirelessly the whole fucking day, and we only helped minimally. I felt so bad about that, but you know how it is? We were all there, and had any one of us gone to help, we would have been told to go and relax, talk to everyone else, don't worry about it, sort of thing. Not to mention, noone wanted to, and we were all so fucked. But that doesn't excuse it, it really doesn't, not by any means. We should have helped, and we did for some of the heavier stuff. NO EXCUSE. And Fred (Tom and Joe's brother (Kate, Tom, Joe, Sophie, and Fred are the Warren kids.)) brought home a shitload of rocky road for the party, which, coincidentally, was for him. It was his 18th, see, and man, that was good rocky road. He works at the margaret river chocolate factory, which - according to rumour - simply melts down cadbury chocolate, and reforms it into their own. Hey, it's good chocolate! And they have free samples! And Luke did a giant burn out on their driveway!

Hey, don't knock it, it was hilarious.

So Fred's party. It was bitchin', and awesome. Probably the best house party I have ever been to, and I've been to a few! Which is to say, not as many as some people, but still quite a few! There was a fire, an awesome dance floor, far, far too much wine, and heaps of rocky road. It would have been almost perfect if that bitch hadn't been such a bitch. But I am a loving god, and I will forgive her, if she but offers me a token of her loyalty. Which is to say, she gives me my goddamn chocolate back. Bitch stole my chocolate! Not to mention snubbed me like 4 times! I won't go into detail about those snubbings, needless to say she was really rude, and then to top it all off, she stole my chocolate from the freezer. Like there wasn't enough there already? You had to go into the freezer and take my Cadbury chocolate with cashew nuts? IT IS A DELICIOUS COMBINATION. I would have most certainly enjoyed it with my Jim beam and coke, had I drunken any of it. I only really opened it for Fred, after someone had stolen two bottles of Jagermeister from him, and I thought he needed more drink, he was far too excitable. Oh wait no, I did have some with coke before that. So, no that's not true, but I didn't have that much, only enough to go in a 600 ml bottle of coke. And then a shot with Fred. It's better than Brandy, at least!

So yeah, it was an awesome party, and I totally made myself an awesome bed out of chairs and blankets. Everyone was impressed. They were all "Simon, you should totally be an engineer!" and I was all "I know! right?" TOTALLY DID.

So I totally had a talk with Jarryd today about awkwardness, because I'm just so outright about these things. We had one of those little moments when you both pause at a door, not sure whether you should go through first and keep it open for them, or open it for them, and go through after. Or just wait for them to make the call! I'm usually a fan of the tried and true opening of the door for them, and then proceeding after. As it's the gentlemenly thing to do. I do sometimes just walk through and then flick it open again for them as I'm going. Because hey, I'm a bastard. Not that doing that is bastardly, someome has to go through first, why shouldn't it be you? Well, you're welcome to go through first, just don't shit in the doorway and then slam my face down into it, pissing on my unconcious form. Then slamming the door into the top of my skull, possibly killing me, if not on the first try, then maybe on the third. Because that's just too far, guys. That is just. Too. Far.

Not to mention I'm an incredible lover.

Fuck, I don't know whether I have to go to the dentist tomorrow or not. On the little appointment card I have it says my next appointment is on the 1(insert backwards 3)/5. Now I know for sure it's on a friday. And I was sure it was tomorrow friday, but considering tomorrow is the 11th, and not the 1(backwards 3)th, I'm not sure. But since it is the 11th tomorrow, that would make next friday the 18th! And a backwards 3 might be considered an 8 possibly if you're into that sort of thing I know some cultures are. However, had I not looked at the card, I would have said it was this friday. But I JUST DON'T KNOW. Maybe I could call them perhaps? Or maybe I could just ride the wave of cool I have going, and not!

Hey, you know what? I should put some pictures up on this joint. AHOY.

So, while those are uploading, which shouldn't take long, considering my hugely disproportioned, bulbous, throbbing, veiny, enormous, and undoubtadly superior to yours, internet. Seriously, 24 mbs! Can you believe that shit? I can't, really, mainly because we're only actually experiencing maybe a 1.5mbs connection, maybe a bit more. Which is to say we aren't getting anywhere fucking near 24mbs. But it's an impressive number to wave around, don't you think? Say, where the fuck are those photos, they should have uploaded by now (you know, considering my amazing internet). And Oh Get fucked, I hadn't clicked that I accepted their terms and agreement shit, and had to upload them all over again. Retarded!

So, about the photos, which should be here aaaaaaany second now. The first - They just uploaded, right up the top of the page, and when they did, that's where my text started appearing, Woooop. OH HOW THE MYSTERY WAS SOLVED. "Why don't you go write a crime novel Simon? Your plot twists are like delicious apples to me" GOOD QUESTION. The answer to which being this! - The first one is Lodge, if you don't already know him. Look at him! Look how happy he is! Know why? Because he just made a cheesburger out of subway foods. Don't look at me like that! I didn't do it! I don't know the secret! The man's a genius, that's all I can say. The second one there is of course, two pocketwatches. One is mine, the other is Jane's. Each of us got one for the other. Can you guess which is which? Does it really matter? They're both pretty awesome. Personally I prefer the one I have now, which is - let's be realistic here - a lot better than the one I got her. The third picture is just awesome.

So, I guess that's all from me. Did you like the way I just wrote this all in about half an hour? I did, what you have there is my thought process, I didn't sit down here to write about anything in particular. No spelling checks, no reading over it, I'm just going to stop typing it, and click publish.

Fucking deadly.

It's a warm day.

2007-03-10T19:58:00.000-08:00

It's a warm day, the sun is light on my skin. Warm, sunny, windy. There are a few clouds in the light blue sky, speckled around, not like one of those picture perfect days. No, Those kind of days are days you see in a photo. This is the kind of day you can feel.

The bricks are warm too. Warm enough to heat the skin, but not enough to burn. I sit down, on the edge of them, with the lawn at my feet. It isn't healthy lawn. There's a large patch, where we pee at night. It's very relaxing to do, I must admit. Makes you feel in touch with nature, standing there, peeing into the wind. It isn't a healthy lawn.

Bazz walks up, slowly, giving me a cursory glance. She's an expert at relaxing, one of the pro's of the household. She stops at my feet, and falls to the ground with the grace of a hippo. A satisfied sigh exits her lungs as she thuds down, and closes her eyes to the sun. She knows how it's done - I think to myself. I follow her example.

I lie back against the bricks behind me. They're hotter than the others. They burn for a second, but then I adjust, and it's a nice warmth. The wind blows against my side, it's cool, cold even. A delicious contrast to the heat of the bricks. "It's like eating a bowl full of chaff"

- Says mum. I smile as I'm woken from my stupor. "I think it was the natural yoghurt, I might try a different muesli next time". I encourage her along that course of action. She is sitting on a bench behind me, staring down at me. "It's your birthday soon", I nod in agreeance. "Anything special you want?" I tell her there isn't. It's the truth. Or at least, what I want isn't so easily gotten. Besides, I am happy in this moment. Content. "Well, tell me if anything comes to your mind". I assure her I will, as she walks back into the house, the wooden door creaking as the wind slams it shut behind her. I lie there, warming.

There's a wasp above me, going about it's daily duties. I watch it float along the wooden beams of the veranda, poking its head into small holes in the wood. It doesn't fear me, and I don't fear it. But it looks happy, in its relaxed wandering. Maybe it has the day off. Maybe I'm just a tad Euphoric at the moment. I like him, he seems content too. Hello wasp, I mouth. Not wanting to speak. Words would ruin the tranquility. It answers by crawling into a little hole, and then crawling out again. Good answer, I think. You know your stuff.

There's a little bird, flying vainly into the wind up in the sky. It's windy up there, little bird, be careful. But the warning isn't necessary. It knows exactly what it's doing.

A fly lands on my toe. The corners of my mouth curl into a smile. It wouldn't be Australia without you, little fly. It agrees. And tickles my toe hairs, just like it should. I raise my foot in accordance with custom, and drop it back down to the ground, dislodging the fly. I can tell this fly has been around, it knows how things go. It settles back down onto my foot, right where it left off. I smile, and raise my foot again.

Bazz moves. She stands up lazily and moves over to a more rough patch of grass. I know what's coming, and I sit up to watch it. It's a brilliant show, no matter how many times you've seen it. She looks down at the grass happily, she's been looking forward to this. Flop, down onto the new patch. But not with the intention of relaxing this time.

She stretches out, then flips up onto her back. It took her a long time to learn how to lie like that. But she loves it now. Then starts the show. She starts to sway back and forth, scratching her back on the grass. Slowly at first, but it gets faster quickly. She can't help but growl with pleasure. GROARRAAARROOAOAOOAR, she says, as she scratches. At her best, she can go for a few minutes. Today, she only lasts for about 20 seconds before she's done. She bends her head around and looks at me. I smile back at her. She gets up and sneezes, satisfied.

I can't hold her attention forever though. But she gives me time to pat her as she walks past me, and into the house. Pushing the door open like we tell her not to. She's a pro.

I wriggle my back, stretching out the brick marks that are undoubtadly there. It's a nice itch to scratch. I look around myself, stretch again, and stand up. Up in the sky are a few clouds, speckled around, the sun is light on my skin. It's a warm day.

Updating is for chumps.

2007-02-23T21:01:00.000-08:00

So yesterday something happened, someone told me to update my blog. Yes, this has happened before, I know, but only from people who I actually kind of know. I mean yes, I do know this person. But the fact that she actually reads my blog was pretty incredible. Not really. Anyway, it got me thinking, I know that people I keep in contact with occasionally read my blog, but I wasn't aware that anyone else really actually cared. I mean, I know I like reading blogs, Like Jane's Anal adventures on the high seas. But other people... Are they like me? So I started wondering, how many people out there actually DO read my blog? Hundreds? Thousands? The internet? With all of these possibilities punching me in the throat, I decided I'd write this. Which isn't to say you're getting it straight off the bat, I could have started writing this a few days ago, maybe a few weeks? Maybe, The Internet?*

Well, in any case, for those of you out there who actually DO check my blog every so often, hoping you'll find another little gem of philosophical advice, or a rough'n tumble "your mother" reference. Hell, even a kick in the dick would be good. As long as it's from me, right? Well, Here's your dick-kick, folks.

I think I'll go with what I've found to be a winning formula for my life updates, the whole "list of things that I've done with myself since last we spoke" thing. So, any takers? You sir, no? How about you Madam? Or you sir! Yes, you! The man with the 1 shaped hat.

1) Let's start off from the last entry, I went to NZ, and stayed with Jane at her uni in Palmerston North for the majority of the two weeks. Doesn't sound too exciting? Well if you didn't want to spend that much time with Jane then I guess it wouldn't be. But I did. And it was awesome. I won't write too much on that trip. Because there's more on NZ coming up later, which is more likely to interest you than this bit.

2) I got my Licence! I don't think I told you that, I got it quite a while ago. But then again, I last posted quite a while ago. So this is for back then.

3) I got a job at Subway. Yep, that's right, I'm a Sandwich artist. Now I know, I know, it's a shitty food place job. But it's very convenient for me. It's close to home. It's on the way to Uni. And I can get free food. Not to mention they'll work around me going to uni. So I'll probably end up doing 2 or 3 nights a week there. As things go. Shouldn't be too bad. The pay isn't great, but as I said, free food, and convenience. It's more just to help pay off uni debts.

4) What if the world got so overpopulated that governments started brainwashing people into being completely unafraid of death, completely? Consoling them with the knowledge that their deaths, and those of their loved ones were serving the purpose of reducing the strain on the earths resources. If that were the only change made in common thought. Nothing else changed, families would drive their cars under rockslides, not caring. If they lived they lived, but if they died, then at least it served some kind of purpose. Nobody even tried to avoid death. They just went about things in their usual way. Straight into death traps. But what if some people weren't affected by the brainwashing, or the gene modification, however it came about? Those would be the ones that feared death, and came out on top of the easily avoidable everyday death traps. They'd be the ones that bred, that reproduced. So after a while, natural selection would turn everything back to normal right? Except we'd have a much stronger gene pool. What with all the weaker ones standing too close to the edges of volcanoes. With no fear of falling in. Hey wow, there's a strong wind. Oops.

Can you imagine the blank, surreal expression on his face as he falls helplessly towards the molten lava? "So, I'm going to die" He thinks. "Hey, that's one less person in the world at least" and then "Mmm, what's that delicious roasting smell, Oh! It's my burning flesh, how about that then."

5) And speaking of Uni, I start on Monday! That's in 2 days. Now I have to do it with all the young guns who're going straight there rather than taking a year off. Not that it really matters when you get to that point. I'll be doing a BSc in Environmental Biology. I was doing it in a double degree with Secondary Education. But I swapped out of that (which took a bloody long time to do, all day, in fact, running around uni from building to building. Filling out forms, getting told to go back to the place I was an hour ago, and even being told that I had to do it through my high school. As the uni doesn't do ADMISSIONS TO UNIVERSITY. Good one customer service). But 6 hours and 10 forms later, it was all done. Although I lost all my seats in lectures and tutorials and labs, that made my timetable nice and friendly for me. So now I have a shitty one that's all over the place. Still, it could be worse. That's what you get when you change out of a course 4 days before uni starts.

6) Man, John Farnham is playing. That shit is hot. Woo! Take the pressure down!

7) I need to wash my car, I parked it under a gum tree for one lousy night while it's flowering, and now my car is covered in drops of sticky goo, with all the tiny flower pettles stuck in it. To be honest, it's fucking ugly. So I'm gonna go wash it soon.

8) So I parked next to a smart car at uni the other day. What the fuck? How can someone afford a car like that when they're a student. Even second hand they cost like $20,000. Damnit, my tiny box of shit looked so bad compared to it. It's a good thing I couldn't care less. Also, I want one of those cars, they're just so cute. And economic! I prefer smaller cars to giant gas guzzling tank-ets. There you go, an insight into my BRAIN.

9) BRAAAAIIIIN.

10) Oh yeah, back to New Zealand. So like, I went again, just a week ago, in fact. And it was so awesome. I went accompanied by Lodge and Luke. And we all had a great time. We met up in the South island with Jane, Eddy, and Zara. Stayed in Wanaka a few days with all of them, which was awesome. Then Zara left us to go back to Mardumbala (I can't remember where she lives). And It was Janeddy left after that. Then we traveled up to Ranfurly, and stayed with Eddy for a night. Before she dropped us off in Christchurch (which is like a 3 hour drive or something, it's not the usual "I'll give you a lift to this party" sort of lift, thank you Eddy!). From there, we went all the way up the East coast of the South Island over the next week or so, and ended up in Pikton, where we caught the ferry up to the North island! Hmm, this is a really shortened account of the trip. Still, I'd be here for the whole night if I didn't shorten it back a bit. So tough, I guess. Anyway, we landed in Wellington, and stayed there a night afore heading off to Hamilton! To stay with Jane's family. And a big thankyou to Lynley and John, Jane's parents, who put up with us. And fed us, all those times. It made a big difference to have a delicious home cooked meal, and a safe environment to sleep in. And even more thanks for the use of the car as well. It means a lot that you trusted me with driving it. Fresh onto my licence as I was. I hope the few crashed I had don't affect your trust, I mean, that last one was totally not my fault.

From there, we traveled out most of the time to see various things around the south Island, spending a day in Raglan, in Wellington, Auckland, and Rotorua. Seeing all the touristy sights. And doing all the touristy things, while having the insights of a North Island Local with us. Then, in the early morning after our second night in Auckland, we headed off to the airport, and left for Australia, via Brisbane and Sidney. Three flights! End.

So yeah, there's your quick rundown of where we went. I could add a whole lot more about every place we stayed at, but really, that would take so long. And I'd be writing for ages. Aaaand you'd probably get bored. Actually, probably not, considering I'm such an intriguing and engaging writer/novelist. Novelist you say? Pray tell, Simon, whence did this come about? It didn't.

11) See, what I Should REALLY be writing is an email to Jane. I haven't written a proper email to Jane in so long. Failing that I should be writing her a letter, like in ye olden gays. With paper, and a multi-coloured-pen. (But who uses Green? It's a passenger, the other colours are clearly carrying it.) Just like in the dark ages, before they invented grass, energy drinks, and crocodiles. Yeah, I should really do that. I like writing, you see. And especially writing to Jane. Man, the emails we used to send each other. FWOOAAAR. Not really, but you know, they existed, in any case, not just urgent thoughts floating around inside my head. I should really get on to writing those. Sorry Jane, I will get around to it!

12) So this morning, right. I went off to pick-a-part (a big car wreckers yard with heaps of cars sitting around, that you walk into and find car parts, take them off, then go pay for them. Once a car's reduced to nothing, it's crushed and disposed of, for some other thing) And got myself a new starter motor. And by "I" and "me" and "myself, I of course mean Dad. Well, I was there, but he did most of it. Oh and I also stole a new fuel cap. And by stole I mean paid for. Now while I remember, I think it was the Solenoid (spelling?) that's not working. But it was easier to take the whole starter motor than just that. Although there's no guarantee that it'll work, that's the thing about pick-a-part. You could be getting something just as broken as what you already have. But if it works, it's a lot cheaper than getting a new one.

Anyway, I have to go put this new starter motor on soon, hopefully, if it works. I can be back on the road today, if not, it might be a few days, while I buy a new one, and then maybe get a mechanic to fix it. Sigh. Damnit, cars are just too expensive. Why can't uni be close enough to ride to? And why does my bike have an invisible puncture that I just cannot seem to find! It's pissing me off, that.

Also, I need a parking permit for my car for uni.

Update! Before I even published the post! Car is fixed and working. Also, there's this little tube that I think has been detached for a while. It doesn't seem to do anything important. But you know. It's there, and it's looking at me.
13) By the way, today is Tuesday, so I started uni yesterday! It was pretty awesome, although Monday's probably my worst or second worst day. Tuesday's my best. Although all of my days are the best compared to Luke's. Man, he has the shittest timetable Evar. 8:00 lectures every morning, AND he lives 50 minutes from the uni! That shit is totally hella bad.

14) So back to my car, right. This little tube thing, that we found floating around, coming from somewhere, but with no idea where it was going. Yeah, that. Anyway it took us a while but we figured out where it went.

15) Yay, Uni/time management/Jane talk from mum. Yes, I'm aware that I'm at uni now, but that doesn't mean that I can't watch Red Dwarf. And no, I don't care, I'm not going to make set periods of time when I will and won't talk to Jane. I'll talk to her when I want to! Assuming of course she's there. Which reminds me, I need to get another headset so I can use skype again.

16) Yep, that's it, I guess. I can't think of anything more to say. That's all for now then, I could put some pictures up of the trip but it would take too long, and I've been writing this really slowly over like 5 days now, and tell Jane I'll be posting it up soon. So I should probably do that. POST, ATTACK.

*Just a note to say that's actually not the reason I wrote this post. It was more just on a whim.

The Emo monthly.

2006-09-30T02:16:00.000-07:00

Well, as some of you may know, during the last 2 weeks, I've been over in the wonderful land of New Zealand, spending time with Jane, and Zareddy. And other people. But mostly Jane.

I've been asked to write my account of my NZ antics. And so I'll start now, but probably won't finish it for a day or two. Does that mean it will be huge? Or just that I just cannot be fucked writing anything right now. I guess we'll see. I mean, at the moment, I'm in a fairly sombre, sullen frame of mind. After leaving the girl I love back over in NZ. But I'm sure I can put something entertaining together for you vultures.

Fuck it, I can't yet. Gimme a few days to get over jet lag, and a few months to put my pining aside. Then I'll get back to you.

What an emo.

Not gay dad.

Lovable lucy, the artful abbo.

2006-09-02T02:25:00.000-07:00

Did you know there used to be an Australian comic called that? Classic.

Look, I'll get straight down to why I'm here, I'm here to tell you about Jesus. Jesus said to me, he said "Simon, let me tell you something. When I was born. I was born the son of God. Do you know what it's like to be the son of GOD, Simon? How much pressure that puts on me? Dad always wants to know if I'm gonna follow in the family business, if I'm gonna have a job doing something for the environment, an entertainer. If I'm going to get a job at all. He just doesn't know how HARD it is to be me. there's so much to worry about when you're me, you wouldn't understand. But let me tell you It's hard Simon, it's hard. I'm so emo."

It was at this point, I recited to him my ballad of "Shutup Jesus, you emo"

He liked it, gave me $2. Busking is paying off.

And it ads up, you know? It all adds up, if you save it. And that's exactly what I did. I saved, I put that $2 in the bank right then and there, a deposit, says I, into my future. Soon, with interest, that $2 might become $2.50, or maybe even $2.60. Just like that bank account mum made for me when I was a baby. She put $50 in. And when I was 17, it had become $70, she wanted me to leave it 'till I was 18. Because, well, we wouldn't want to miss out on that $1 interest now, would we.

You know what else adds up? Calculators.
Good one Simon.

But seriously. Good things add up, good things ad up to make a great thing, and that's what last wednesday was, it was great. for three reasons. Allow me to list them for you in the order they came to me during the day -

1. After I got back from an easy day at work, I became Giumelli and started typing largly so that it looked as though I had written many pages. Wheras my word count was barely hitting the minimum requirement. Then I stopped being Giumelli, because he is the gay.

Really though, firstly, I booked my drivers test. It's taken me a fucking long time to book this, so bear with me when I say I am quite glad I've done something about it. I'm think I should pass. But probably won't, did you know it's about a 70% failure rate on the first test? Ludicrous!

2. I payed for my ticket to NZ. To see the woman I love, Jane. So I'm finally going! We (Luke, Lodge, and I) were going to wait until January-ish to go. But I couldn't wait that long, so I'm going early for 2 weeks. Although I still want to go in January, because that would be awesome, and would be for longer, and spanning both islands. Still, it's been finalised, and I'm going on Friday 15th. Well, 15 minutes into Friday, so pretty much Thursday night.

3. And to top all that off, We WON BASKETBALL. Doesn't mean much to you? Well it should, it really should. It's our first win of the season afterall. We haven't played too many times this season, already had one bye, and played two teams twice each. So not very diverse, really. ANd a season is only 6 months. Less, because it doesn't go for-oh look we one alright. Get over it.

And it was such an awesome win. We all played so well, I vote Savvo the man of the match for that game. Even though Jake got the winning score. And what a score! It was so good. We led the whole game, I got progression shots on Tims phone of the scoreboard. We were winning up until about 3 minutes left, when they equalised. Then we had the ball, and Jake went to drive it in, and got fouled! (I think, it might have happened some other way, but they fouled someone). Which meant their team had, 10 fouls I think it is for that half. And we got two free shots, with 20 seconds left. Jake took them. He had two shots, both teams on 23 points, there wasn't time for anyone to score after this. First shot up! Miss. Fuck, no worries, get the next one Jake, it's all good, just get the next one, and we win. Seconds shot up! Siren sounds.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! WE WON, MOTHER FUCKERS.
FUCKING LOVE YOU JAKE.
YES, FUCK YES.

Oh, we were so fucking pumped, it was the best win ever. And our first, to add to that.

So yeah. Good day.

Same time next week?

Oh SNAP.

2006-09-02T00:08:00.000-07:00

You know what I decided? That I should post.

The OTHERS are here.

2006-08-06T00:43:00.000-07:00

As I said, these are other people. Bear in mind, there were about 20 people there, and many of them were people I didn't like, and so don't have photos of. Not to mention it's mums camera (more on that later)

In order, Hannah and her Fiance - As of last Night - Rick. He asked her there. I think he hoped more people might be there, but they are happy together, and he's a good guy. We call him Brick, even though he's not a bricky, he's a... plumber? A something. Anyway, Brick is called so for another reason. But we love him, and will continue to because he will treat our Hannah right. Isn't that right Rick. You're goddamn right it is. We've known Hannah all our lives pretty much. And I featured heavily in the slide show of her baby years, when we were naked in the shower playing with dinosaurs. Ah, the good old days.

The second picture is Sean. Who had a far superior pirate costume to mine. And I think that photo I took of him is awesome. Definately.

And then there's Hannah and her Nanna, good on you Brenda, she was dancing at one stage. But sat back down before we could get a photo. She's awesome. Heh, she came dressed up as an old woman. Really.

Like a frog in a sock

2006-08-05T23:24:00.000-07:00

Hannah's party. First of all, Pictures with me in them, secondly, pictures of other people. By secondly, I mean, in a post to come later. Not many pictures were taken. Not many people actually went. They were expecting a rather large party. Anyway, I should explain my costume (it was a costume party, see). And, well, I don't have a clue. Jane told me I should go as pirate, so I got a sword at the markets, while looking for other things, which I couldn't find. But the sword glows, see? Makes noises too, "schiiinggg" It just said, as I drew it from it's scabbard that is made up of me sticking it in my shirt. The first picture was taken a while ago, and is just me tuning mum's 'ukelele?' I don't even, wait, no, it might be a mandolin. I can't remember, looks like a mandolin. Shit, I don't know. Anyway, the beanie is something I found in the cupboard, I also found a better one, very warm, and australian red desert colour. That yellow one was very itchy, I remember. Ok, my costume. The shirt was a chef's one I think, or a crazy scientist one. it was tight in any case. Then I found some michael jackson gloves, and put them on, because, why not. I did have a pirate belt on, but must have taken it off. The hat was going to be a small french one, which sort of made me look like a mercenary person. But I swapped to that when I saw it. Then I had my flashing sword. But I couldn't find any pants to put on that were costum-y. There were some really crappy clown pants, but they were kids size, and I almost died trying to put them on. So I wore Jeans, true story. Although it did kind of ruin my no-theme theme.

Oh yeah, and the girl in the photo's is Hannah, who's 18th it was. And the guy who actually got a pirate theme down pat, is Sean. Good people. Mum's the flower lady, and that's my glowing sword in the last one. Oh right, and the Cow guy is Tim.

I sweat kittens.

2006-07-16T04:05:00.000-07:00

Now to upload some photos! Which are quite large, so I apologise. These are 5 that I have at the moment, I'll have more later. But for now, you'll have to be content with these majestic views of some place in England with hills, and like, England. There was a stone circle there, like stone henge, only nowhere near as spectacular, and so noone cares too much about it. But it's there! In order, me on a hill. An awesome cow pat. Tim... Mmmm. And Dad and I in the wind. And then finally an overall shot of the stone circle. Which was quite cool. And that's all for now. Possibly more later.

The Motherland!

2006-07-05T07:55:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back, and I have to say,

Australia shits all over England.

No offence, England. But you should learn from your far superior colony. Ok so I'm slightly patriotic and therefore biased. But don't worry, it's not just an "it's the vibe" thing. I have bullet points! Take it away, small dots on my screen!

Ridiculously expensive dudes! In a small english town, things are only slightly more expensive than here, which is acceptable, because their average income is more than ours, which compensates. But when you go to London, or anywhere near London, BAM, got money? Noone there does. How can I tell, because they're all reaching for your wallets like Mongols! Ok so they killed, raped, and maimed people more than reached for their wallets. But by Gods, it was very very expensive. Some examples are, movie tickets: £11 - That's close to $30 with our exchange rate as it is. Big mac meal: £7 - No I'm not kidding, that's over $15 for it, but I'll save the fast food bashing for it's own dot point next up. Train tickets: Actually I'll save this one for it's own as well. Everything in general: Divide Australian price by 2.5, then add 2 pounds. We actually started calling their currency 'pwneds' because of how much everything hurt to buy.

Fast food places are a no go zone in England, each one is almost the same price, but in pounds. So instead of a $5 meal, you have a £5 meal. Seriously, and they still get almost the same amount of business! I couldn't believe it, maybe the food was better, I certainly wasn't going to pay to find out. I can McDonalds it up just fine over here thanks.

Trains, in general, are awful. The trains themselves are mostly in a state of disrepair and are still steam driven. They run every 2 odd hours most of the time. And The service is much worse than over here, mainly due to the fact that it's actual people serving you, wheras we get a ticket from the machine before we get on, over ther you just get on and a guy comes around and prints out your ticket and takes your money. Boy does he take your money. For a normal 80c train ride, he takes £3.50 from you. And for a trip from Hathersage to London off peak in which would cost about 7.20 (all day ticket), or about £2.50. He charges you the small fee of £47. That's over $100, almost $120 in fact. FOR A TRAIN RIDE!? Holy god DAMN. I won't go on, it just pisses me off so much. Needless to say we took the bus, which was a mere £18. Which was the cheapest option there was.

You know how when you go into a deli, or a supermarket in Australia, and you see shelf upon shelf, row upon row of flavoured milks? Chocolate, mocha, strawberry, spearmint, banana, iced coffee, vanilla, honeycomb and more! All the flavours of the rainbow!? Well you get none of that in England. We scoured the land and found three options for flavoured milks. One was Nesquick, which we get anyway, and you have to do yourself. Another was called 'Yazoo' Which was so god-awful that we couldn't finish. And another was a supermarket brand (Marks and Spencers) Which, while good, and remeniscent of a supashake, only came in 1 Litre bottles and was rather expensive. But we walked around drinking them anyway. Gooood times. But other than that, for a country with more cows than us, and who has fresh milk delivered right to the door with cream and all! You really do suck with the flavoured milk. Maybe that's it though. Everyone gets such nice milk at home, why go to a deli to get chocolate stuff? Because I want it that's why.

The weather there is so Dreary and dull. And the whole english atmosphere is as well. I found it very hard to motivate myself to actually go out and do things. The sun is just weak, the clouds are grey all the time, and the air is damp. And it was Summer! Which looks almost exactly like our winter. No kidding, English summer = Australian winter.

It was at this point that Simon decided to leave this blog as a draft and do other things like say, sleep. But No no, Simon's body clock would have none of that, I mean, psh, who needs sleep!? Certainly not Simon! That's who cakes is! Wait what? Do you know what I've been talking to today? Everything guys, everything, I talked to the shower for a full 10 minutes before I realised I was talking to a shower, and promptly shifted my attention to the sink. In any case, now is tomorrow, and then was yesterday. And I have not slept since one stopped and the other began. I had a nice little ramble to Rebecca, who no doubt thought me insane and likened me to a cheap perfume commercial. Looks good but just not quite there. Not cutting the mustard I think she said, yeah, because then I went on at her about vegemite. Ooooh, totally beats marmite. Anyway she'll be sure to pass that onto Jane and my reputation will be forever ruined! But I won't go into it! Oh shit and did I say? I'm pretty sure I didn't. I got like, 3 calls today from work asking me to work and not to work and all that, so long shift-changing story short I'm working the late night shopping shift tonight, which finishes at 9:30. I had actually desired to be in bed by 5. There was a hope, but it was not to be. Ooh and then working tomorrow as well! And the school holidays will be upon us. Which means busier times ahead! Egad. And I only just noticed my structured bullet points, and how this is completely out of context with the others. Well lets just tie it all into jetlag and blame that on England too. You hear that England? You are the only country to give other nationalities jetlag. Ever. Convicts rule!

I'll leave that as the bad things for now. And do another post later of the good things. So it will be fresher in your minds. And you won't think me to biased, even though I am.

My coffee-type glands are not yet full and need refueling. This could take at least 2 cups. And not of tea, god no not of tea. You English have that stuff delivered by the truckload.

I AM NOT JOKING. All the stereotypes are TRUE!

Tea Chaps?

2006-06-19T00:51:00.000-07:00

Yes that's right, tonight I'm off to England with Tim. We'll be there for two weeks, mostly to celebrate our Grans 90th birthday! "Yeah she's doing pretty well for an old bird" - Good times. So yeah, if you're there, maybe I'll see you, but since you're probably not. Ha! I'm in England and you are not. I am also cold. It's rainging for the first time in ages, could this be Australia saying it doesn't want me to leave? Crying it's tears that I must abandon it for even such a small time? I'll say so, because that makes sense, of course.

Well, see you in 2 weeks I guess!

Fucking pissed off, Jim

2006-06-13T05:46:00.000-07:00

Posted by Wizz -

Right, heres my life at the moment, in a nutshell:

Every Weekday = Get up at 6am, work all day, get home at 6pm. Go on world of warcraft and bitch about how much I don't get girls. Go to bed around 11 and cant sleep because my body clock sucks and I drink too much caffeine. Have a wank, go to sleep.

Saturdays = Try and recover from Friday night while washing buses at macs, come home, abuse my older brother for being a complete doormat to his demonic girlfriend. Try and sleep for a few hours before the evening out on the town. Go out, focus my thoughts on getting girls but all I can think about is how much I dont get girls, so confidence dies and I get even less girls. Fail to find drugs and end up spending $60 on drinks. Find some way into Lesmurdie, break things with Dylan. Walk home, pass out on my bed.

Sundays = Wake up when its almost dark and play wow. Get bitched at by my parents for having such retarded sleeping habits. Focus on the lack of girls to be had last night, and stay up extremely late due to waking up late. Get extremely hungry but can't be fucked getting up to get any food. Think about crying myself to sleep but the thought is too amusing. Have a wank, go to sleep.

MY LIFE SUCKS, JIM.

WHO'S JIM, I HEAR YOU ASK?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW?

JIM, THATS WHO.

Status report!

2006-06-10T05:38:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I did this, so like I once did before, I will peruse my memory banks, and vomit forth the information I find interesting enough to tell you.

1) New things I have bought recently, a suitcase for Tim and I to use on our trip to Europe, a good pair of shoes which were difficult to find, and will probably be ruined through work in a very short time. Stupid work. New sunglasses, which cost me $20 thanks to my incredible business skills, but were supposed to cost me $100. Can you fucking believe how expensive sunnies are? Jesus christ on a stick, there was an $800 pair there, I nearly coughed blood at the sales person when she told me that you get everything you pay for with sunglasses. No, no you don't, they're goddamn freaking plastic, for fucks sake. $800 pieces of FUCKING PLASTIC.

You Stupid bitch.

2) As you might have worked out from the above paragraph, between the swearing and spittle, Tim and I are off to Europe in little over a week. We leave on the 19th! So if anyone wants to send me flowers or the like, telling me how fantastic I am before we go, now's your chance. Sure sure, I'll only be away for two weeks. But you'll miss me.

3) The word of the day is Constipizza. My advice? Do not go to Tonitalia pizza, do not order a large thick crust meat lovers, do not eat the whole thing. And to top it all off, do not spend the weekend straining like a retard trying to produce one droplet of shit from your sore anus.

Not that I did that or anything.

*cough*

4) Ooh yeah, I got a new phone a while ago, it's a Nokia 6101 or some stupidly high number. Wizz has the same one, so NOW WE'RE LOVERS. Yeah, but I think I should have got white, I saw that I could get it in white the other day, totally should have, then Wizz and I could have been INTERRACIAL LOVERS. Blacks on Blondes? No wait, then I'd be taking it. Just get off me.

5) I have a day off tomorrow! I was thinking of having a poker night tonight, but I didn't get around to being bothered to organise it. I could have used up that Wild Turkey that I got with -strangely enough- my poker kit for my birthday. But I might still have it, perhaps on friday or saturday? Who wants in? You? YOU maybe? Tough.

6) Well, as I'm sure a small portion of you know (I don't know how many people actually read this, I'm gonna say at least 30 million. Don't want to go overboard now) I am planning on going to NZ later on in the year, and now Wizz has decided to join me! Isn't that right Wizz.

Wizz: Yes.

See? Good times. And he also came up with the idea of going halves in a video camera, and recording our trip, as well as then being able to make other stupid movies. Which we would do without doubt.

7) Maybe tomorrow I will end up going into Carousel anyway, with Lodge, to both eat Subway, and get Clothes, in that order. Speaking of subway... Shit I should go and have dinner.

8) Dinner was - Good! Old english style beef sausages, nice thick chunky ones. With plenty of sauce. And cooked to perfection - burnt (The only way to eat red meat).

9) Big Brother is on! Zed oh em eff gee Batman! I better shoot myself! I seriously cannot believe how popular that show is. Do you watch it? do YOU? Because if you do I'm coming for you, and I'm Australian, so y'know. Think about it.

10) Well, I'm gonna end this here, and go and make my desert, 10's a good number! In inches! That's what SHE said! Heh, boy was SHE disappointed. Anyway, banana smoothie/icecream/milo/milk sounds good right now. What we need is malt, that stuff is great, I think I might buy some at some point in the future, it's so nice in milkshakes - which I make often and sometimes give free to people I know.

Smooothiieeee.

I have this idea, right...

2006-05-19T09:01:00.000-07:00

I'll tell you tomorrow though, I'm going to bed now. Here's hoping I remember what it was.

*One edit later.*

Right. What with it being tomorrow now, I'll tell you, as promised.

I was thinking, if I make lots of people contributors, you can all post your thoughts on my blog, and I can edit them, making you call yourself gay. Sounds good? I don't think I'll do it though, I don't really like the fact that people can post on my blog, unless I know you're not gonna be all "This is a picture of a gay guy and I am in love with Kyla LOL", like we had happen last time. Not mentioning any names. But if you all cry out for it, I might consider it. It's just an idea, mind you.

Your friendly neighbourhood Admin-like-person.

2006-05-19T00:55:00.000-07:00

So in light of all this hubbub from Luke, also known as Wizz, I've decided to post, and bring an end to his reign of drug induced terror over my blog. Also, let it be known, I did edit his posts slightly in childish rage after he posted 6 odd times, 3 of which were the same post. So they weren't always like that. Not that you really needed me to tell you that did you. Did you?

Ooh hey, I got my movie tickets the other day, they're sitting on my desk in front of me, $8.50 I paid for them, and I bought 6. So that means when I next go to the movies, I'll just get my friends to give me $10... Uhh, $8.50, and then give them a ticket in return, therefore saving us all money. Thanks to Simon and his wonderful generosity.

Also, you're so seedy Lodge.

Did I tell you all? I don't know if I did, but yesterday (this has nothing to do with Lodge, by the way) I woke up to a distinct lack of internet. Of course, what with the router being in Tim's room, I couldn't do anything about it, and went to work. Long story short, Tim fucked up the router in his sleep, and then had to go fix it.

And now our replacement - for two weeks - router has conked out for a bit. Wooo. Goddamnit Tim. Stop downloading! I'm bored and I want to browse the internet and edit Lukes posts!

My pocketwatch is ticking at me.

Uhh, Whoops!

2006-05-18T11:05:00.000-07:00

Oh shit. I love so many men.

I seem to have accidentally created the below blog 3 times.

Whoops! I'm GAY STILL.

So, uh, if Simon is in a particular volatile mood, and he doesnt know how to delete posts (I sure as hell don't) then this may be the end of me. Yes, your good buddy wizz, gone forever, from Simons blog. All because of my lust for male symbol of verility. So what, I hear you ask, is next for me?

Although asking this question is like urinating into a glass of yak-semen, I shall give you this answer, and this answer alone:

Gay Porno.

In addition to this, I shall add that as I am 18, my sperm count isnt getting any higher, so ladies get in while you can. And show me all your gay friends, srsly guys, so gay.

Also, Simon don't boot me. I'm so gay.

Fuck I'm gay.

Whoops - I'm gay!

2006-05-18T11:03:00.000-07:00

Uhh, Shit.

I somewhat accidentally posted the below 3 times. Oh shit.

Well unless... yeah, I could go suck some cocks because i do love them... yeah

All you women out there, don't go for me, I'm only in it for the men, lovely men like Toby.

Yeah, pose for me Toby.

LOL

2006-05-18T10:31:00.003-07:00

Hae dudes.

I'm pretty fucked. Had about 10 beers and some cones. I'm at monkes tonight, down there for some laffs. We are having a grand time, lanning lots. If I could post pics I totally would. That fag Simon won't know what hit him!

Whiskers is beside me, we are reading stories about scary clowns. Well I am anyway. They are especially clowny because I am scared. Clownidy Clown Clown Clown.

AHHHHH

We were supposed to go on 'Le Tour de Fridge' tonight, but our place to sleep was suddenly DELETED by that fag adrian, who cancelled at the last minute. What a FAG! For the unintiated, Le Tour de Fridge is basically a giant teenage pub-crawl on bikes. It would be hell good, but yeah, we didnt have any place to stay. So me and Monke and Whiskers just stayed here.

Joe still went.

Hae hae hae, whats goin on, yall

2006-05-10T11:06:00.000-07:00

Yay, I promised Simon I'd post on here after I got home. It's like 2am and I'm racing pretty hard. Just thought I'd bust out some skills- like the title of the below post should be "Rocket Nigga Stole My Bike" or something.

Fuck, I'm so fast right now. How the hell can I slow down? I'm listening to Death Cab, that should help. It's not though, I blame the mormons. Fuck Mormons.

There should be some kind of fish antibody present here. I'll speak to the administrator, see what I can do. Did they ever find out if fish feel pain from hooks? Fish have been around for a while, you know.

Fuck my punctuation, spelling, and capitals are the absolute tits. Oprah tits? Fuck dude, no thanks!

Jesus tittyfucking christ my dad just scared the cocks through me.

THIS THREAD IS NOTHING WITHOUT PICS!!

I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THIS GUY IS BUT I BET HE GETS HEAPS OF PUSSY!

MANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Officer, stop that man!

2006-04-20T07:13:00.000-07:00

Because he stole my freakin' bike, that's why!

My first day at work after school holidays have started, and my bike gets stolen. Coincidence? Doubtful. Ok, so it could have been anyone. But my bet is on little shits with nothing better to do with their spare time than steal my belongings. If you're out there, kid, and you're reading this. And you stole a bike from Carousel on Tuesday. Here's what you can do. Take the bike back to where you took it from. Put it in the same spot. Go and ring the doorbell of Miss Mauds (The door with the sign on it). Wait 'till someone comes out. Say "Here is Simon's bike back", then run like shit kid. Because I'll be comin' for ya, Mr Staballot by my side.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is, give me back my bike you theiving little shitbuckets. I won't be angry, if you give it back.

All that aside, I'm not doing too badly. Gotta start work early tomorrow, so can't stay for long. Still have to email Jane. That's important that is.

Important things in my life are as follows:
I got a pocketwatch.
My bike got stolen.
I'm close to getting a new computer.

Actually, I should point out, that it wasn't actually my bike. It was Tim's. But he never uses it anymore. And I doubt he ever would have again, and mine was shit (But the only option now). That's not the point though, it was still his bike. So, just so you know, I used Tim's bike to get to work, and it got stolen. Doesn't stop me being pissed off about it though.

Clearly false advertising.

2006-04-05T08:03:00.000-07:00

In eating a box of "Guylian Chocolate sea shells" the other day. I noticed that they were not, in fact, all sea shells. To my surprise, I discovered a shrimp, and a seahorse! I beg to differ Guylian! Those are not shells! Now I know you might think this a bit dodgy, but that's why I have photographic evidence to back me up on this. Let's do a little test now shall we? Is this a shell?
Correct! It is, Obviously Guylian is not stupid, right?

WRONG! That is not a shell Guylian! You specifically state, on your box. That... look, I'll show you the picture, it's blurry, but that's what it says.

Lies I say, ALL LIES!

Never will I believe another chocolate box.

This is your man... in a... can? Oh I don't know, I'm a fucking news reporter alright.

Gratz on the level.

2006-04-03T07:56:00.000-07:00

Well, as you may or may not have known, I had my shindig on Saturday. With the ladz, and others around. We had a grand time. A slow grand time, Let us say, a time. And I was presented with mad loot. An overally picture of which can be found below. We played croquet, as well as the gamecube towards the end of the night. Some gatecrashers showed up. Mum was hilarious.

"PAUL!" Good times.

Oh, and Dad got rather sick because there was garlic in the fried rice. Silly silly dad and his silly allergies.

Now I'm just anticipating the arrival of a package from far away, in mysterious lands. OoOoOoOh.

My compliments to the chef.

2006-03-27T02:04:00.000-08:00

You know who got that said to them today? Well, not me. Because it was said to the counter person, who was Erin today. But it was aimed at ME. Erin came over and said "Simon, who made this meal?" And I was like, "It was me" And she's all like "well, they said it was very nice, they said compliments to the chef" And I was all "fuck YES!"

Then Pauline told me off for swearing.

Good day. Hope it can be topped off by a basketball win. Think positive! You Jerk!

ORANGE MUDCAKE FTW!

More like...

2006-03-26T04:58:00.000-08:00

Want to be muscly do you? Well, I think this more accurately represents you! I laugh at your pec-tits!

Blog FTW?

2006-03-18T00:55:00.000-08:00

Yay I can post on Simons blog. I'm Wizz, and my willy is slightly thicker than yours. First, pictures.

This is not me.

This is me.

This is Simon.

These are Crumpets.

Newbie likes Crumpets.

Croquet Club.

2006-03-17T02:00:00.000-08:00

You had to be there.

Summary of style.

2006-03-06T02:59:00.002-08:00

A few things have happened since my previous entry, I will list them for you. As explaining them in a way that makes sense would be far too time consuming:

1) Parties have happened, most recently, Sam's bbq. Well, I say "Sam's" bbq, but that implies he owned the barbie. However it was Lukes barbie, used at Sam's house, as Sam doesn't have a barbie. Just to clear that up. Still, it was good.

2) Before that was Scott's 18th, which was rockin'. Even if he never put on my awesome cd's. You can find some proffesional quality photos of the party over here.

3) This jerk keeps sending me spam mails, because he knows I hate them. I now also hate him. I will end you, Travis.

4) I'm playing zelda! Much to Scott's Delight.

5) Work is good at times, bad at other times. Just like how I imagined it.

6) I got the flu, thanks to my all knowing manager, who decided it would be a good idea to come into work (A restaraunt, by the way) and spread her spores around the staff, who both make, and serve the food. Yeah, well done Julie. Anyway, it's almost gone. But I hate her for it.

7) Scurvy dogs.

8) What else? Well... My Birthday is coming up soon. So I suppose you can come to the party, whenever it is. I'm thinking it will be on the 1st of April. So, be there. Not an open house though, and I'll probably make it be invite only. You can't take any chances in Kenwick.

9) I'm getting a new computer sooner or later, with the money I'm earning. It will be better than yours, possibly.

10) They changed the menu at work! The Jerks. "Hey Simon, Just finished memorising the menu? Well screw you! It's different now, chump!" Big bunch of Jerks.

11) This harlott thinks she's too good to come to my party. "Ooh I live in Melbourne, I'm not flying over there for your party, I don't really even know you, ooooh." Yeah, well, even though you didn't actually say that, same to you too, Meg.

12) Ah well, as long as Good ol' Jane can come, I'm ok. Hear that Jane? You better be here, I don't want to hear the old "Simon, I live in New Zealand, stop inviting me places, you know I can't get there" excuse. That's for wimps.

13) I might join a Gym. I mean, I ride to work, work in itself is hectic, and good excersise, I'm not overweight, and I eat well. So why should I join as gym as well? Well why not. I could "get buff". And "pull the chicks". So why not ey. Go to the Gym with my friend. Good call.

14) There is no 14 down because you're a stupid bitch.

15) I just heard from a very reliable source that my old schools Ball might be on the same day as my party, meaning some people would have to contend with my party, and the afterball party. Which would would easily reduce the number of people at mine. This does not bode well.

16) I'm running out of points and people to link to. Well, everyone go say Hi to Rach. There we go. Rach is cool too. And no Rach, of course you weren't the last choice. You are never the last choice.

17) The end.

Ah, work is good.

2006-02-22T17:14:00.000-08:00

Sort of. I mean, this week, I will have worked, what, 36 hours? That's a lot for me, considering half of them were 6:00 am starts, and I'm standing up the whole time, or scrubbing floors, baking in steam. The upside? $350! Go me! So yeah. Money is good. Soon I will be able to afford that computer, and I mean very soon, cause if this kind of money keeps up, I will have that extra $1000 I need within the next 2 weeks. Then It's clear sailing Boyos. Well, that's all from me now, as I need to go get ready for work. Only a 6 hour shift today. And I'm not closing or opening. So It will be grand. Get it, Grand? Shutup Simon.

But what kind of book? Why, a book of YEARS of course.

2006-02-13T06:09:00.000-08:00

So, my yearbook came today, and there are people in it. Me being one of them, everyone else in my school being the rest. And I like it, know why? Not because It has a good picture of me, because my picture sucks, I look like a seedy football jock. But instead because the front cover is not a montage of stupid crappy year 8 artwork, it is a flower. Simple.

Now I know a lot of people take pride in their artwork, it's natural. And many people are good at art. On the other hand though, many people suck. And it seems to me that all of these people that suck, do art at Lesmurdie SHS. If this is you. I'm sorry, the evidence all points to you sucking.

Now I know this is a fairly broad accusation, but so far, nobody has been able to prove me wrong, through all of my years at LSHS, as well as my brothers. You have all, each of you, sucked. Tim will probably claim that he didn't, but to enforce my argument, I'm going to say he did anyway. I mean, the lack of talent is astounding! It just tears me apart!

I'm not going to tell you to practice, because it won't do you any good. I'm just that worked up.

And I certainly don't want the person who drew the borderline yiffy picture to keep drawing. That is fucking creepy. Dog-human hybrids kissing is a fetish. For twisted people. It is NOT a cute wall hanging. And that face, that face! it's hideous! God damn.

Man that was an angry post. Anyway, I'm off to sleep.

Goin' away, goin away.

2006-02-10T07:05:00.000-08:00

I'll be up/down at Margaret River for the next few days, so have fun in my absence. I will, that's for sure. I Be goin' to the 18th birthday of triplets , that's three 18ths in one. Woah. Anyway we won't see it because we'll be on the computers all the time.

I jest, loffle.

Anyway. McGiver, you are nothing, your balls are sweaty and stretchy, like this. I am the first guy you see, McGiver, you are the one on the bottom half.

I love mah balls.

fin

To reiterate.

2006-02-04T20:07:00.000-08:00

I know yesterdays post didn't explain things too well, but just so you all know, morning shift sucks, arse. I have to get up at 4:30 am to go to work. and I have to ride there! Woe is me.

Still, I got a job, and it's fun. So, all in all, I should stop my filthy whinging.

So anyway, how have you all been? Good? Good. I am pleased to hear that. I however, am in need of some sleep, but that's by the by, it's mid-day, so it can wait.

Thirsty? What you need is a nice cold glass of Thrifty. The new taste sensation in diabetic drinks. Not diabetic? Not a problem! Thrifty has all kinds of uses in, and around the home. And when you're finished using it to scrub down the shower, there's nothing to stop you from taking a nice long swig from the ergonomically designed Thrifty bottle, to refresh you after a hard days work.

Buy it. Drink it. Thrifty it.

Stabbin'.

2006-02-03T04:48:00.000-08:00

So I was walking down the street one day (true story) when BAM, job.

And I was happy about it. Yep, I was. But then I realised my first shift started at 6 a.m.

Then I went in stabbin'.

Holy Fucking SHIT. (Again)

2006-01-31T20:49:00.000-08:00

I forgot to tell you guys (well some of you), I got a job! And it's actually certain now, I go to the induction on friday, then start work on Saturday. Now "was it Bunnings or Miss Mauds?", I hear you asking. Well, as much as I'd like to go all out and say neither (or both). It was Miss Mauds, and so, in true manly Australian fashion, I will be making sandwhiches and omelettes and things, surrounded by many, many women.

No kidding, I am the only guy. Out of a staff of about 20. Good times.

So anyway, yeah, if you're in Carousel, drop by some time and give me a look in. I might not be working though. And even if I was, I'd be in the back, so you might only get a glimpse of me through the steel frame thingo. Still, if you aren't there I'm gonna hunt you down.

Also, I get free coke/other soft drinks.

Holy Fucking SHIT.

2006-01-30T22:26:00.000-08:00

No more massive hair for me, that's right, it's gone!

I got me a haircut today, and now it's back down to a size that lets me fit through doorways.

It's fucking wierd.

It's like internet rape!

2006-01-29T19:56:00.000-08:00

Only with less penetration, and slightly less lube. Lodge has been abusin' the trust of membership!

You'll get yours Lodge, oh yes you will.

Fargen Margen Blargen!

2006-01-28T21:53:00.000-08:00

FARKEN FARK, im enjoying this!

That's it.

2006-01-20T22:38:00.000-08:00

I'm getting sick of this damn photo of me at the ball. It was a bad photo, Everyone has them, it is almost a year old. Jesus, I don't look anything like that. Either way, this bad photo thing, I'm thinking it needs some payback, also in the form of bad photos. This is a little photo I found while scotto was at the ball. He didn't think anyone would see this moment, but some sneaky person there caught it on camera.
And I think we all know how much scotto loves emo's now don't we. See? Even Random John's twin is turning his head in disgust.

It's all rather confusing really.

2006-01-18T07:10:00.000-08:00

Anybody know the Goon show? No? Well you should.

Anyway, my life is, well, a bit topsy turvy at the moment, so if you think I need to update more, if you're someone who just really hangs out for my updates, I'm truly sorry.

Why is my life so topsy turvy you ask? Why do I use topsy turvy to describe it? To the latter question, the answer is: Don't question my methods, jerk. To the former question however, well. Because it is.

Many good things are happening, I got my L's, 2 possible jobs lined up. And have just found out I have been accepted into Curtin Uni in the first round offers, to my chosen course. But to counterract all this, I also have a very serious problem with someone very close to me. I won't tell the public though (that's you guys). But it doesn't look to be going away quickly.

Anyway, I'm tired, and haven't had much sleep, So I'll update again when I can.

- (this is where I would put my name if I was a jerk that constantly put his name at the end of everything he wrote, MAN that pisses me off. Stop doing it jerks, we know who you are! The internet tells us!)

Goin' up in the world.

2006-01-06T20:31:00.000-08:00

The last couple of days have been mighty good for me. Want to know why? Of course you do. Well, for one, I got my L plates, after 2 years of being elligable to get them, some might say that is nothing special, I could have had my lisence almost a year ago, but this is a big thing for me, it means I got off my ass and did something. And not only that, I also got 2 job offers, one from Miss Mauds, and one from Bunnings. So I have a trial run at MM on Monday, and an interview/training with bunnings on Tuesday. So I'm feeling very pleased with myself right now.

But that's not all. Oh no. My cousin Frankie is over from the UK, staying with us for... I have no idea how long. But yeah, it's awesome. Good times are coming around. I can feel it.

2006 is upon us!

2005-12-30T20:57:00.000-08:00

Yep! It's new years eve today, which means tomorrow is the start of a fresh new year, which makes no difference to anyone. But on the plus side, it is a time for mad/rad/wikid/rockin' parties. It is also a great time for my father to bring out tonnes of work for me to do, as I try to organise something for tonight. Well done dad, you make me do work at the most inopportune moments.

Most times I tell my father when I'm going somewhere, but it's better if I don't, because he'll make up something for me to do 10 minutes before I need to leave. This specific example has happened 3 times in my recent memory, and many times before that I'm sure.

Me: Dad, I'm off, I'll see you... I don't know when, I'll give you a call if I need a lift home.
Dad: Ok, well before you go, can you mow the lawn?
Me: What? No. I have to go, now.
Dad: If you don't mow the lawn you aren't going anywhere.
Me: ... You... I... Goddamnit dad, ask me when I have time!
Dad: You have time now, do it now.
Me: And you say I have bad organisational skills!
Dad: Keep going like this and you can mow it twice!
Me: I'll mow YOU!

Long story short, I need a place to stay tonight. And not Aarons, 'cause his mum hates me for no reason.

T.E.R.

2005-12-28T02:55:00.000-08:00

Well, the TEE results are in, so if you're a school leaver in 2005 ( I'm not sure who else it applies to ), then you can go and get your T.E.R score here at the tisc site.

You've probably already heard about it, and got yours, as this kind of news spreads like proverbial wildfire. But if you haven't heard about it, and rely solely upon me to keep you updated on the going ons of the world, then there you have it.

Good luck Goldenberryboys.

Been and gone.

2005-12-25T22:55:00.000-08:00

Well, Christmas was yesterday, and mine was pretty good all round I must say. I got lots of food in my stocking, such as starburst, and rockyroad, and more chocolate and lollies. And for presents, $150, and some b0xx0rs. So pretty good yeah.

Had some good food, good breakfast lunch and dinner. And talked to the relatives, who we don't see for most of the year. So yeah, good times. How was yours?

Just around the corner!

2005-12-23T21:47:00.000-08:00

Today! it is the day before christmas. And then, after that? You guessed it! My birthday!

No not really. But on the plus side, now YOU can celebrate it as well. Christmas day is a comin'. But what are you getting? A Penguin perhaps?

Man, I sure could use some kind of job.

2005-12-17T04:27:00.000-08:00

So, anyone out there want to give me a job?

I mean, I don't really have any continual costs, such as a car (although I will try to rememdy that, by getting my license). But I could still do with a job of some kind. Any kind, in fact.

There really isn't much else to report. We put a projector screen up in the house, on the ceiling, which is of course, awesome. But apart from that. Nothing.

Ooh put the ol' Christmas tree up. Without any lights as yet, but we're workin' on it. 'Cause you just GOTTA have lights, so you can walk in in the middle of the night, and just see the warm multicoloured glow of the tree, and go; Aaah, Christmas.

Also, I swept the walls today. Swept the walls you say? What kind of task is that, dickhead. Well screw you, I'll tell you what kind of task it is. I was getting rid of cobwebs, that's right, cobwebs. 'Cause us folk in the old country, we got a lot of spiders, 'cause we're 'ard, see? 'Ard. With lots of apostraphes. Anyway, we're tough like that, so the spiders, they come from all around, everywhere, and they congregate at our homely little house in the outer ridges of Kewick, 'cause it isn't safe even for spiders in the heart of downtown Kenwick.

And these spiders, do you know what they do? I'll tell you what they do Gonzor. They make webs. And these webs, they are everywhere, up in the rafters, and beams, and places like that, along the walls. So I swept them! And they fell they fell down. All in my hair. The fuckers.

These walls are on the outside of course, not the inner ones. On the outside of the house. Along the veranda and such places.

Also, a Huntsman spider thought it would be a bit of a 'laff' to abseil down in front of my face. Scaring the shit out of me. Well look who's laughing now Mr Broom-to-the-face Huntsman. Maybe that'll teach you to be more courteous when abseiling. Bastard.

And grapes, we have a grapevine, two in fact. And I had to fondle the grapes of one (making them hang down through the branches and supporting wire properly), and cutting the grapes off the other. A waste, yes. But no-one eats them, 'cause they suck. The other type of grape is much better, the smaller seedless green ones. They are awesome. That is why I fondled them.

Yep, and my back and neck hurt a bit after looking up at grapes all day, but apart from that.

Zzap. He said.

Saw saw.

2005-12-13T23:39:00.000-08:00

I saw 'Saw II' yesterday. It wasn't really that scary, more of a psychological kind of thing. Wasn't that good now that I think about it. And after Lodge has implanted his view of it being crap on me. It isn't the kind of movie I'd usually see, but yeah, beside the point.

Simon's rating - 4/10. Not that my rating really means anything. But there you have it anyway.

Stop... LLAMA TIME!

2005-12-11T07:55:00.000-08:00

I really enjoyed this.

Work.

2005-12-10T08:08:00.000-08:00

I'd like to say I have a real job, but I don't. I just had a few days work with a friends dads company. It was sort of a "come over and work for a day and get some money" thing. That turned into a "stay over for another 2 nights and keep working" kind of thing.

I didn't mind though, I got money out of it. But the annoying thing was that I was still sick, so I was weakened, and unable to work at my full capacity.

I would describe what I had to do as "moving shit, breaking shit, packing shit, trashing shit, and wearing a zoot suit." Zoot siuts are awesome. And when coupled with a dust mask thing, the look is even cooler. But it was all neccessary, as we were moving files up in the roof/attic area, and the dust was fucking incredible, it was like a dustbath, only, not. 'Cause there wasn't that much dust. Just a lot.

Still looking for a "proper" job though. Not just three days of manual labour. Maybe I'll apply at McDonalds, if I get desperate.

Not what I expected.

2005-12-03T18:24:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm back from leavers, and it was far from what I expected. This can mostly be blamed on sickness, as myself, and most of the other members of our leavers household became infected with some virus. And since we were all in such close quarters, I'm betting the others will have it by now as well.

It's a fucker.

I can still hardly talk without cringing in pain. I thought it would get better as I came home and rested up, but noooo. My cold symptoms have eased, but the throat is just getting worse. And eating food is a fucking painful ordeal. But yeah, this virus caused the majority of us to be stuck in the house all day long, as we had no energy to go anywhere, and the two major car owners were sick/randomly losing consciousness. So we had about 3 days where we could all go places. and the rest of the week we were stuck at home.

Still, the people we stayed with were stoners and alcoholics, and they had a 'pot' plant in the yard, so they weren't all bad people. Plus they had an awesome dog, his name was Diesel.

Other important things to note about leavers:

- Fish and chip shops that give you free shit are awesome.
- Burning things is awesome.
- Jousting in shopping trolleys at night is awesome.
- Aaron did not have a shower or change his clothes the entire time. That was not awesome. That's just fucking wrong Aaron.
- Dropping your phone on a jetty 2km out into the ocean is scary.
- Peeing off the end of the jetty makes up for it.

I think that just about covers it.

Leavers.

2005-11-24T07:07:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow, I depart for leavers, and all the things involved with it (beaches, sex, alcohol, sex, drugs, sex, beach)... (alcohol). For those of you who don't know what leavers is (Jane). It's a week long party for students who have finished High school. Like me, and everyone else.

This does not happen in New Zealand, a-haw haw.

Anyway, I'll be gone for a week! Friday to friday. So without any further ado. Goodbye!

Graduation.

2005-11-21T05:44:00.000-08:00

Well, the 'official' graduation ceremony is tomorrow for us L.S.H.S students who are awesome. So that leaves out people like Melinda Faucet, who decided to do the chem exam, even though she's on 37% for the year, and bring everyone elses averages down. Clap clap Melinda.

At least I had the courtesy not to do it, and therefore not bring everyone else down, like the considerate person that I am. And I was on 45% for the year! If I studied I might have easily got over 55% in the TEE and therefore passed, but I DIDN'T, unlike MELINDA, who has only done the multiple choice in her last couple of exams, then left and/or sat there crying.

Man, I hope she doesn't read this. That was really mean (sorry Leonard).

Anyway, yeah, graduation, after this, I will have "officially" finished school.

OH EMM GEEE.

2005-11-18T05:35:00.000-08:00

It's here... it's finally here.

THE EEEEND OF MY SCHOOLING.

I have finished my secondary schooling as of today. What's that you say Martha? NO, No I do NOT have to go to school on monday. Why you ask? Well Martha, it's like this you see:

I'VE FINISHED.

To Sam, and family.

2005-11-14T06:42:00.000-08:00

A small time ago, a good friend of mines father passed away. He was much loved by his friends and family, and will leave two wonderful children who have always cared for him dearly.

My biggest regret is that I never got to know him, as a friends parent, it is rare that any real conversation is had between the childs friends and you, and even though I only had the pleasure of meeting him once, I remember him as being someone who cared a lot for everything and everyone, one of the nicest people around. Everything I've heard from other friends, who did talk to, and see him more often than I, tells me that he was someone well worth getting to know, and a pleasure to be in the company of.

I'm ashamed that I don't have much else to say about him, as I knew him only briefly, but his passing will be mourned by all who knew him. Especially his loving family.

To Sam, who is just now on the verge of finishing his exams, I hope you get through this all, and I hope you know that all of your friends are here for you, to help, any way we can. It is important for you and Jack to remember that your mother will need your help and support through this, as she was closer to your father than anyone.

I will end this here, as I do not feel it is my place to give you advice about how to deal with this, the best I can give is to try and work your way through it, in your own time. Remember him for all his good points, and know that he will always love you.

You have my deepest sympathies and support.

- Simon.

Almost there, It's so close now.

2005-11-12T02:39:00.000-08:00

Yet so far! I have one more exam, Ancient history, and that's NEXT friday. I have a week of nothing before the 3 hr part of my life that marks the last of my schooling. Sure, I still need to graduate, but I think we all know that's a filthy lie made up by the government to keep us afraid. But afraid of what, I ask.

Probably those goddamn communists.

So, this means that I'll spend the next week thinking I've got all the time in the world, when I should be studying, because hey, it's just three hours!

NO! BAD SIMON! Do not think that way, I said. You can party hearty after your last exam.

And I intend to dear fellow! But first I must knuckle down, and reeeaaad my books over and over again. So I don't only pass by only 3 measly percent this time.

Simon AWAY!

AAAGH!

2005-11-07T17:58:00.000-08:00

EXAMS! FUCK, EXAMS!

Starting innn... 4 hours!

Wooo.

2005-11-01T20:43:00.000-08:00

Ok, well, I'm actually posting for a second time, whether this means I'll be sticking with this blogging outlet over the msn spaces remains yet to be seen. But I'm liking this for the moment. Ok, well, I haven't had my computer in quite some time, and believe me, I hated it. That would be the reason for no posting for a long time. I mostly just got it back for my music, which I missed so very very much. Being forced to turn to the radio for music may be ok for a day or two, but when you are forced to choose between non-stop dance music, and 1080 6ix. Then the third option of a quick and painful death really comes to the fore.

Thankfully I managed to avoid this, and convince dad to give me back my RAM so that I could play the music I had so carefully nurtured to be stored on my computer. Anyway, long story short, I'm back, and Oh god I missed my computer.

Nerds should never be without RAM.

Back in black... Well, black anyway.

2005-09-30T19:17:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm not 'back'. 'Cause technically I was never 'gone'. But I'm here now anyway, So stop being so damn pedantic.

No news at the moment, I just put this thing up, I'll do something with it later. Like, marry it... Or something. If that's allowed, I'm sure "Blogger" has very open views on these things.